Am I Finally Proud?

Hello boys and gurls, I hope Pride month treated you well!

As you can see, I'm trying my bestest to write more frequently, and more succinctly (with mixed results)! So, in this post I want to talk about a few updates, and I'm gonna try to keep things positive!

Update 1: At-Home Laser Hair Removal - It Just Works!

 
Aaaaaages ago I shared that I'd picked up a pretty nifty and not-cheap-but-def-cheaper-than-salon-sessions laser hair removal gadget. I loved it, it was fantastic, and it worked really well... except that its diode head is a bit too small. This means it's great for getting into smaller areas, and because it's a proper laser it does an excellent job in those smaller areas; but it's mighty inconvenient for larger areas, especially if you have stubborn hairs.

So I picked up a second, more fairly-priced gadget, that doesn't have as strong a light but has a much, much wider head. This makes it great for large areas, like under my chin, or my legs; but, because it's weaker, it does mean that removal will take more applications, and thus more time overall.

However, I'm happy to report that it works, it really, truly works.

When I started noticing all my facial hair growth after stopping HRT, I kinda panicked: I figured there was no way it was all gonna come off -and stay off- without going to a professional. And because I'm extremely lazy, I gave into despair and depression and failed to keep up with my treatment at home. That is, until a few months ago, when I finally decided that this was gonna be my year. So I picked up my pace, I got back on my treatment, and by golly all I've got left are one and a half small patches (at time of publishing, "patches" might be too generous a word!).

But aside from those patches (which I double-zapped this weekend), my face is pretty smooth! I can go a week without shaving and 90% of my face will be clear! And what's scary is how effective it's been on other areas. A week after hitting my legs with my second gadget, I  had a good chunk of hairless skin! Even more effective (and actually a bit scary to me) was my pubic area! A week after treatment I found I may have zapped a little too much. I mean, I'm partial to being completely smooth, but sometimes you want a cute little trimmed patch just to spice things up, you know?

Anyways, if you're wondering if at-home laser hair removal works, then trust me: it DOES!

Update 2: Skincare - It Just Works, Too!

Another thing that was a major concern for me after dropping HRT was my skin. Well, not just my skin, I knew fat distribution would change, my face would become more masculine, etc, but my PRECIOUS SKIN! Ah, it was so soft and smooth with estrogen!

Woe be me!

Until I found a skincare routine that works for me! Which I will share with you because skincare is super important, doesn't matter if you're a man, a fag, a girl, whatever! It's important, trust me. It can also be very easy!

When people think skincare they think expensive spas, strange face masks, green mud and cucumbers. Or at least I did, and I never took it seriously because of this. But then my skin started to get wrinkly, and rough, and I decided I needed to put a stop to it. So I did a lot of research, and a lot of testing, and I came up with a very easy-to-maintain routine:

    Morning: I should clean my face with a cleanser for my skin type, then apply serum and moisturize, preferably with a product that contains sunblock (SPF 30+, because our sun hates our skin). I write that I should very deliberately, because most mornings I do not do this. I'm just that lazy. However, I make sure to do it if I know I'll be going out, because it's important to have a clean, well-moisturized base for your makeup! (Or at least a clean, well-protected face.)
    Shower: Whenever I shower I wash my face with one of two products - 2-3 days in a row I'll use a charcoal cleanser, and then I'll swap to a salicylic acid cleanser for one day, and then repeat. This is great because charcoal keeps your skin buffed and your pores clean, and salicylic acid every once in a while will take care of exfoliating it for you.
    After showering: I dry my face gently, and then apply serum, and some eye and face (with sunblock, if I'll be slapped by solar rays) moisturizer creams.

And that's it! Pretty simple and super effective! What's tricky is finding which products work best for you, because it may require a lot of trial and error. I feel pretty lucky because I stumbled upon CeraVe products early and they've been so good to me - I swear I never thought I'd ever gift someone a skincare product, but I've already gifted a few serums to friends and family.
 
Maybe I should get some affiliate stuff going...

Update 3: About That Penis-Shrinking Surgery...

After discovering that cosmetic reduction surgery was a thing, I couldn't stop looking for more information. Sadly, there's very little out there. I reckon a lot of men don't want to go around publicizing their new micro-penis, especially with how expensive it is. Remember when I said in my last post that I'd shred my credit for a $20k reduction surgery? I think I might have to put my money where my mouth is, because there's a place in England (TERPh Island, of all places!!!) that charges £20k (roughly $26k American dollarinos) for their procedures.

Now, that is a lot more than I bargained for (a whole 25% more!), plus plane tickets, lodging, etc., but I would be lying if I said I wasn't looking at options to make it happen.

I mean, if I could find guys (or gurls) who went and got their surgery done, and it was successful, and they were happy, you can bet your butt I would legitimately be, right now, figuring out how bad I can ruin my credit score. But I haven't been able to find a single one, so my score is safe... for now.

There's other places, too, allegedly. One in Mexico, and one in California (L.A. I think). Problem with these is that they're gender affirmation clinics, so they may not actually offer this particular procedure. In fact neither of their sites mentions penis reduction, though one of them offers penis enlargement.

I also read it's possible to mess with the tissue inside the penis to prevent it from getting erect, and I'm wondering if I can get that as part of a package deal.

In the meantime, however, I'm returning to chastity, to try and get some shrinkage and reduce my erections. It's not easy, considering how much I've fallen in love with my penis,  but I'm trying. I'm also starting to work my bussy back up. It's not that I don't like anal (I love it!), it's just that I've been so busy and cleaning is such a hassle that I've genuinely not had enough time and/or energy. But this pride month I made a point of trying for both of these because I want to embrace myself and be proud of what makes me happy.

Update 4: More cock.

Because I wanted to embrace myself and be proud of what makes me happy, I did a thing: I booked a hotel room for a few days. I brought with me a bunch of toys, a douche, and a bunch of sexy outfits. My main goal for this was to spend as much time after work in my room, doing gay stuff - crossdressing, playing with wigs, makeup, toys, etc.

But beyond that, I wanted a safe space to be gay. In fact, as soon as my door closed behind me, I took off my clothes and friggin' pranced around like a fairy! I practically paraded about in my jockstrap, my wrists limp as all heck. As I engaged in this faggotry, I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and found myself smiling! A genuine, ear-to-ear smile.

I felt happy and proud.

And it only got better when I started playing with everything I brought. I did my makeup, dressed up, wig, heels, everything, and I looked so good. I looked so girly and feminine and passable - and fuckable! And it was exhilarating! Especially because I knew it was an illusion; I knew that lifting my skirt would reveal a bulge, that pulling my hair would reveal a wig; I knew despite looking like a girl, I wasn't.

Yet my favorite part was how happy this made me, how much euphoria it brought. Sure, it was sexy and arousing, but that was secondary. In fact, after a while all this horniness took a back seat and I was just a crossdresser enjoying himself, enjoying looking and feeling gorgeous and glamorous. And, unlike before, small tells that would clock me were a welcome thing. Even taking off a wig to try on another didn't bother me at all. This was me: a beautiful boy in a dress.

That first night, I didn't play with my toys.

I did play with them a day later, but I did so in boy mode, because I was too tired after work to pretty myself up. It kinda backfired because I'd been in chastity for several days and play only made me hornier...
 

So I fired up Grindr.

A little while later I had a guy at my door. I welcomed him in wearing nothing but a silky little robe and a sexy jockstrap. I'm sure you can guess what happened next, so I won't go into a lot of detail but I will give you some highlights, because I'm a bit of a slut. So, first, my robe didn't stay on very long. Then, I got on my knees as soon as he dropped his pants because I wanted his cock in my mouth. Then he bent me over a desk, and a little later he had me pinned down on my bed. He also went balls-deep inside me, and I know this because I could feel them slapping me (it felt so good). And when he was ready, I asked him to cover my back with his cum -which he very generously did.

Oh, and as soon as I found enough strength to lift myself up, I started grabbing his cum with my fingers and bringing it to my mouth. I flippin' love how cum tastes. And how it smells. And how sticky it is. I love everything about it.

And through all of this I was: in boymode, so this was honest-to-goodness gay sex; & in chastity, and at no point -literally not once- did I think about my own penis. And he didn't try to grab it, either: he'd look down at my jockstrap as he fucked me, and he'd get more turned on and would pound me harder.

This would be my only sexual encounter during my stay, but it was a ton of fun. I would instead spend my time in my room mostly enjoying being alone, which is something I don't get much these days, and sorely needed. I mean, sure, I dressed up a bit, and played with my toys, too (including sucking a dildo attached to a mirror...so hot), but I realized I really, really really, needed me time.

Still, as I think back upon this, I realize that I've now been with more men than I've been with ciswomen, and my cock count is higher than my vag count, which is something I'm proud of. As soon as I hook up with two* more guys, I'll have been with more men than (cis & trans) women, and I'll have been penetrated by more people than its inverse. Most importantly, it's the second time I've had great sex in which my penis played no part.

*Actually, scratch that 2 more guys thing, because I've taken so long to sit down and proof-read this, that I've actually been with one more guy since then! This one was just blowing him (sadly, my bussy refused to get clean) but it was still a lot of fun. I felt so slutty slurpin' on his cock, wearing nothing but a pair of thigh-highs and my cage. Sadly I couldn't throat him properly - to be fair to me this is my first time giving just a blowjob, usually it's just a quick bit of foreplay - but I hope to meet up with him again and get some more practice.

I still got a delicious, sticky reward, though.

So now I've been with as many guys as I've been with women, and my next one will finally set things right. Or at least as right as they can be. I really, really wish I hadn't wasted my time with women. Imagine how good I'd be at throating right now! But it is what it is, and at least I know what I'm "missing," and quite frankly I'm soooo okay with it - cock truly is where it's at for me.

OH! And now I can actually tell my PrEP doc that I've been sexually active! Might be a bit awkward to explain I've also been kinda promiscuous (I'm talking to two other guys, too! One of them has a nice looking BBC, I think I want him to take my creampie virginity), but I think she'll understand.

So what even is Pride?

I don't think I can tell you with absolute certainty what Pride is, but I can tell you what few things I know. I know I'm a boy, I know I'm gay, I know I like to crossdress and present en femme, and I know I'm proud of all of these things. I really am. I feel a strange, but warm, sense of pride when I call myself a faggot, and when men call me a good boy. As a matter of fact, I've been correcting guys on Grindr left and right, making sure they know I'm not a girl. It's understandable cus I'm super girly in my pix, but I'm constantly "ah, but I'm a boy" or "but I'm not a girl." (I'd be lying if I said I didn't like it, though.)

I feel so proud about these things that I want to scream, I want to tell everyone who'll listen. I have this massive urge to come out, especially to my SFW-life friends. More than that, I want to be out not just as a gay guy, but as a cock-addicted faggot. Like, I want to start posting pix showing my face. I want to show my face looking slutty in boymode, or crossdressed; with a cock in my mouth, or balls-deep in my bussy. Because I want my face out there. I want to show that this is me: the faggot, the crossdresser, the boy with other men's cum on his face. And I want men to see me, to tell me I'm pretty, to tell me everything they want to do with me.

But I can't.

I can't, because I can lose my livelihood, and even my career. Not for being proud of my identity or my orientation, but for being proud of my body and the things I enjoy doing with it.

So maybe that's what Pride is. A celebration of who all these little things that make us who we are. Those bits of ourselves that society would prefer we keep hidden. For those of us who can, it's a joyous outward celebration; for those of us who cannot, it's a personal, quiet celebration with ourselves and our trusted friends.

So, am I proud yet? I think I'm finally getting there.