Happy Pride Month!

I was initially going to call this post "Little Quickie," because I want to try and keep it short, and I was going to quip that this was what my girlfriends used to call me, so let's pretend I did that.

But also, sadly, they didn't use to call me that - I'm below-average (mercy!) but not below-average enough (curses!). I really need to find a way to shrink my penis that doesn't involve lung cancer (smoking) or aging. If I could pay a surgeon, I don't know, $8k, $10k, $20k..? I'd shred my credit score in a heartbeat; especially if he could also make it thinner. I recently discovered that some folks get surgery to become "nullo," and some also get surgery to become hermaphrodites (salmacian? This is still new to me), so maybe one of them can help me get the micropenis of my dreams... (At time of writing, there's a procedure! Reduction corporoplasty has been used primarily for health/sexual wellness reasons, but there's at least one case I found of someone doing it for cosmetic reasons, so I'm actually excited!)

ANYWAYS!

Happy Pride Month, boys and gurls!

 I'm currently working on a longer post, one about other detrans people and why I want to talk so much about detransitioning, but am simultaneously really scared about doing so. But while I work on that, there's some things I want to share, and maybe having shorter posts between long ones is not a bad idea.

 

I GOT A NEW SWIMSUIT!

It's a sexy, semi-sheer-but-very-sheer-when-wet, white one-piece that you've already seen if you follow me on BlueSky (or on Flickr!), but what makes it truly special for me is that I've wanted to this swimsuit for well over a decade!

You see, I've always had a thing for one-pieces, always always always, and when I decided that when I grew up I wanted to dress like a girl I started browsing all sorts of clothes online. That's where this brand came in: as soon as I stumbled upon their page I was smitten with their designs. They're sexy but not too sexy, they have good coverage but not too much, they have a classic look but also sort of retro-modern, and they are eye-catching but not stare-inducing.

And, believe it or not, every few years I've checked back to see what new stuff they had, and if they still had some of their old stuff I wanted. To my relief and joy, they've kept a lot of their older stuff!

So now that I finally have a decent idea of who I am, I'm comfortable enough with my body as it is today (I still have like 10kg I want lose, though), and I had a bit of money lying around, I finally got my hands on it.

And I love it!

Something I've wanted for almost twenty years (!!!) is finally mine, and it fits so well! It's like a dream come true.

...Now I need someone to take away all my cards because they have A LOT more swimsuits that I want.

Still on PrEP

Despite my absolute desert of a sex life, I've kept up with my prep prescription. It's great because insurance covers it completely and it's peace of mind; so if tomorrow I get the chance to have a bunch of guys run a bareback train on me, I can do it (obviously there's other health concerns, but HIV won't be one of them).

But that's not what I want to talk about here, what I want to talk about here is that I get prep from a local CVS clinic, and this doctor, whom I get frequently, practically knows me by now. It's funny and awesome because she no longer asks me the annoying demographic questions, because she already knows me. Like, she still runs through them because she has to, but she just sort of goes through their answers out loud in case I need to correct her.

So just imagine me sitting in this small clinic room, with a lady just telling me "ok so you have sex exclusively with men, you engage in oral and anal sex..." It's funny and awesome, and she's so nice about it - not a trace of judgment anywhere; in fact it almost seems like she digs it. It almost feels like a "gay best friend" sort of dynamic is taking shape, except it'd be more like "gay best patient." Like, we'll talk about our weekends, about work, stuff that I don't usually talk about with physicians.

It's nice.

What's sad is when she asks me about my partner(s)! And I have to, once more as if unto a breach, tell her that I'm single AF.

This time she added a note saying I'm "between partners" in case insurance tries to get funny about why I'm taking prep. Really nice of her; though I'm beginning to feel she'll probably throw me a party when I finally get some cock in me again.

Awkward She

Recently, a friend said, referring to me, "she's right" on a livestream and I think I died a little bit inside. It was jarring. Not their fault, though, they have no idea I'm toying around with gender and detransitioning, so this is bound to happen again, and I wonder if it'll be jarring when it does.

I think, looking back, it was always a bit awkward to use female pronouns, but they fit well enough - would've been more awkward to not have used them while presenting as female. But something that never, ever, fit well was being told "you go girl," and other affirming stuffs like that, in a normal/sfw/cis-passing context.

Like, I always felt comfortable being one of the girls, but not one of the girl-girls. As much as I wanted to keep my transness hidden, I guess I still unconsciously sheltered in it as a buffer.

So now, as I embrace malehood, hearing female pronouns for me feels super weird. Not uncomfortable, mind you, but like they're referring to a version of myself that isn't me as I sit here today. It's like when someone calls you by a nickname you haven't used in ages.

I'm really curious to see how this pronoun business will continue to evolve.

What's in a name?

What if I told you, I still haven't decided on a last name for myself.  I'm still, years on, struggling to find something that fits. Years ago I came up with Dernwood but it's a bit too clunky. I have considered DeJizze (I can't believe I used this on Flickr rofl), which I like, but is a bit too obvious, and it's not a clean CD acronym - more like a CDJ. There's also Dickman and Dicklove, but I generally prefer cock over dick as a word. And as I write this, Dickrider comes to mind. And after writing that, Dickins/Dickings came up, which are so staggeringly obviously RIGHT THERE that I can't believe I didn't think of them before.

Anyways, it's not like I'm constantly thinking about this, but I'll give it a good spin around the ol' noggin' every other month or so, just to see if I've grown any creativity (spoiler alert: I have not).

However, as I've detransitioned I've developed a yearning for a more fitting community. In search of one, I stumbled upon CrossdresserHeaven, which seems fabulous! Because most communities are geared towards one of two demographics: sissies and transwomen. Sissy communities are casual and fun, but they're very NSFW and not what I'm looking for right now. Communities for transwomen are, also, very much not what I'm looking for.

So, I stumbled upon CrossdresserHeaven, which is for CDs, which is awesome, and it seems like a genuine, healthy, SFW place for CDs to be themselves. No talk about surgeries, hormones, nothing; just guys with varying degrees of masculinity enjoying expressing themselves as women. BUT, because it's got this huge focus on healthy, SFW behavior, I'm hesitant to use more explicit last names. So I'm thinking Dressing could be my last name on this site (unless I can convince myself that Dickins might work...why didn't I think of it before).

However, in one of my noodlings for safer last names, as I was browsing for more CD/TV/TS magazines for my collection, it occurred to me that it would be fun to have backronym names that correspond to TV, TS. TV because, in browsing and submerging myself in vintage genderqueer media, I became enamored with transvestite as a term; and a TS name waiting in cold storage just in case I decide to re-transition in another decade or two.

But now this means I have to come up with more masc-leaning androgynous names, ugh! Maybe I can be Tony Vixen, or Terry Swallows, lol.