Proud

...Though Not Quite Loud

Last year, just after Pride Month (much like this year!), I wrote an update post in which I mulled over the meaning of Pride, because it was important to me to make sure that I was actually, honest-to-goodness proud, and not just saying it. Well, this year (unlike last), I can confidently say that I am proud.

See, I love being gay, I love being a boy, I love being effeminate, I love being a cross-dresser; but does this mean that I'm proud of these things? Not necessarily: it's possible to be ashamed of certain things we love (think guilty pleasures). And, indeed, there are entirely too many queer people out there who enjoy aspects of their queerness but still wish they were cis/hetero.

And to confound matters further, I've been hesitant to make any strong statements in either direction because I did just spend a whole decade living as a woman and it turns out that was one big mistake. It's kind of funny, actually, as I remember typing on this blog (though I think it may be buried in drafts) that I wasn't sure if I'd regret taking hormones for so long, and as it turns out not only do I regret it, but that this regret grows virtually every single day, and I fear I'm starting to develop a latent, quiet resentment.*

And if that wasn't enough, I often find myself having internal epistemic debates on whether I love these things because I love them or because I don't really have a choice. For example, do I love having sex with men because I, consciously, love it, or because that's just the way my body and mind are wired. And to add another layer, perhaps one easier to follow: I love the fact that I love gay sex - is this because I think it's great and hot, or is it because I have the satisfaction of knowing that enjoyable sex is possible?

Well, the good news is that after a bunch of deliberation, I feel confident I've settled the matter: I love it because I love it, and I love that I love it. And this is not because I can't stop thinking about gay stuff, for example, it's because I don't want to. Complete opposite, in fact, I want more of it.

But love alone isn't indicative of pride, and so my next question is: am I proud of these things I love, and am I proud of loving them?

And yes, I am. 100%. I feel no shame about any of this. Not for being gay, not for cross-dressing. On the contrary, I have every urge to be open and out about all of this. I believe I mentioned before that I've been making plans to come out, and while I don't have anything concrete yet (I have weapons-grade bisexual-levels of indecision), I've continued to drop hints here and there with my friends (those whom I haven't yet told). And in my new socials I've been reasonably open about a lot of this.

And it's not just my regular normie stuff that I'm proud of, I'm also proud of my degen stuff, too! I'm proud of considering myself a faggot, I'm proud of being a cocksucker, I'm proud of being a sissy, I'm proud of how much I enjoy other men's cocks, of how much I love their cum. I don't feel a shred of shame for any of this, only love, euphoria, and pride.

Also, and this is a bit strange to articulate, I love being male, and am proud of it, too. And I don't mean this as a category, like 'boy,' in the sense opposite of being a 'man,' but rather having a male body and being aligned with it. It's interesting because I've been chatting with some of the 'gurls' on the cross-dresser site and I was telling one of them that I like that I'm not female. I love my parts, I love the way they work and feel, I love how it feels and responds when I'm with men; while I'm planning on changing a couple of things, the biggest change I want to make is to my chest, which is less "changing" my body and more correcting a mistake.

Yet as proud as I am of all these things, and despite wanting to talk about them to anyone who'll listen -I've been chatting with a seller on ebay about some gay mags I've been buying from him, and I straight up told him I'm a cross-dresser- I'm not comfortable being "Loud" yet. And I feel like I need to defend myself here, that I'm not comfortable being loud because I have concerns for my well-being, as the current socio-political climate is in one heck of a backslide.

Still, I'm extremely comfortable saying that I'm Proud, and I think this is a wonderful thing. It's really special to have this ability to cast away shame and doubt, and to own and appreciate myself. To go beyond just accepting parts of myself, and into celebrating them, because they make me who I am, they make me special.

The Road Ahead

So what's next for me? I think that working on Loudness is what I should focus on moving forward. Building myself a social environment where I can feel safe and protected while openly being myself. I've already taken steps in this direction: I'm moving North to a Blue city in a proper Blue state. This way I am setting myself up with a solid foundation. From there, I have to work on belonging to a community. There's a small LGBT+ scene in this city, and I'm hoping I can make some friends within it, as there's safety in numbers. And while working on my local scene, I also want to continue working my online social group, starting with the cross-dresser site***, and going from there.

Additionally, I also want to work on setting myself up for some degree of financial independence from my current job. I'm not sure if this will involve starting a personal project that I can monetize later, scouting opportunities for fully-remote work, or starting an onlyfans. But it's important to me that I can support myself in the event that going Loud affects my job.

And this is important because I don't want to just be loud about my normie stuff, but also my degen stuff. Because I don't think my job would be threatened if somehow my employer found out I've detransitioned and am living as a cross-dresser. Sure, they'd find it weird, but that's about it. But I do have a lovely picture of my face covered in cum that I'm dying to share. And with my most recent photo sets, I've been making sure to take at least one picture where my face is shown clearly.** 

Objective: Degen

What I ultimately want, is to have the freedom to be proud and loud with my sexuality. I want to show the world how much I like sucking cock, how much I like eating cum, how much I like getting fucked, etc. And I want to be able to talk about these things openly, without having to hide.

As a fun, relevant anecdote, a few days ago I found an old camera, dusted it off, and tested it by recording a little video. Something like a personal log talking about how much things have changed, and who I am now. One of the things I emphasized in the little video is how much I identify as a faggot, and how good that feels. And I really, really wish I could share it, because it was a fun exercise, a neat little bit of therapy, and a new medium through which to talk about these things.

But that's an end goal, and an ambitious one, and not something I should be jumping into. I think my safest course of action is to continue down this path I've set on: legitimizing my cross-dressing in the CD site***. Then slowly letting my cross-dressing naturally bleed into other aspects of my life, and little by little being more open about it. This way my initial exposure is relatively safe, and anybody who encounters it can just ignore it: it's no biggie.

Then, by the time I'm comfortable enough with my cross-dressing I can start getting a little bit spicy, and I can start introducing homosexuality into it. Maybe one day I post a little risque picture, maybe sometime later I take a selfie with a cock in my mouth. This way, I reckon, by the time there's enough smutty stuff with my face, there'll be plenty enough non-smut content to provide cover.

The question then would be if I would ever want to link that future 'me' to the current 'me' writing this blog, and running my current naughty account. And here's where I'm torn. On one hand I'm proud of all of this, and would like to share it in the future. On the other hand, a lot can change in just a few years, and I don't know if I'll look back at all of this with embarrassment.

I hope not. We're all out here doing the best we can with what we've got, and I'm trying to help out future me as best I can. 

 

*I have to make an effort to really fight this resentment, because I'm pretty confident that it's what fuels transphobia in detransitioners, and it's just a toxic, hateful thing that helps nobody. While I admit my views on transition have developed beyond the mainstream, not just because of my detransition but also through a growing acceptance of GNC identities, the facts are that science is clear and  benefits for those who are actually trans are real, and no amount of resentment can change this. And while it's true that I only underwent transition because it was the only socially acceptable path available to me, and I had punishingly valid reasons to pursue a path of least resistance, I still could've done more to stand up for myself and carve a different path.

 

**Really neat unintended consequence of being Proud, here. I used to not like showing my face in any of my pictures at all, because I wasn't ready. Now that I'm proud, I love that my face is on them, and I want to share them so damn badly - show the world: "this is me."

 

***Chat, is it bad when a member of the cross-dresser site sends you a message to thank you for standing up against trans-misogyny, and warning you about other users who "take off their wigs and put on their MAGA hats" before deleting their account because they're fed up with those users?

 

So, a couple of days after finishing this post's initial draft (I'm editing it now), I got into a slightly animated discussion with another user that unironically used autogynephilia (AGP), because I wanted to make sure that other members were up to date with the fact that AGP  has been debunked. What followed was a series of gaslighting comments from the OP who practically backed themselves into a corner confessing to having personality issues, including narcissism.

Their final reply to me has been stuck in my head all day because it has all the classic hallmarks of gaslighting, where they have no fault and any issues that arise from their comments are the responsibility of the reader. It even started with a condescending "it seems I've rubbed you up[sic] the wrong way."

Anyway, after noodling the comment from the deleted account for a while, I decided to go and try to ascertain the site's demographics. Now, I figured that, most users being decidedly older, they'd skew somewhat conservative, but I wasn't prepared for some of the up-is-down-down-is-up stuff that I'd find. Granted, a lot of the comments are half-a-decade old, or older, but one of the threads that really stood out to me was a republican former member of one of the US armed branches speaking against the latest military trans ban, but then still laughing at the idea that they might be a Democrat.

Holy shit on a cracker.

At first, when I read the now-deleted message (it's gone, I wanted to take a screenshot, but it's gone now) I thought "I can fix them," but I'm not so sure anymore.

Anyways, the gaslighter's final reply is also gone, and my reply that led to that comment is "Awaiting Moderation" as I type this. I guess the outcome of the mods' effort will determine whether I'll try to stick around or call it good and leave.

It's a bit sad, really. At first I thought that there were no people younger than 45 on there because cross-dressing is an outdated concept, but now I think it's because young people keep getting chased away. (Case in point, I had been talking to a 'gurl' on there who wanted to meet up, but then stopped talking to me when it became clear I wouldn't be interested in having sex.)