One Year Later..!

I don't have any fun quips to start this post.

I do have a fun fact, however: there are seven (7!!) drafts since my last post, going all the way down to December! Imagine all those wonderful, kinky things I've wanted to share with you, that were left forgotten!

Don't worry, while I know I'm probably never going to publish any of them now, I can give you a pair of quick highlights.

First: I hooked up a couple more times. They were amazing. First one was an older daddy type who wasted no time fucking me bareback and breeding me (thanks PrEP!!!), and I gotta say there's something really special about having a man cum inside you, filling you up with his seed. Part of it is psychological, of course, but there's also a raw energy from him because he wants to fill you up, and he wants to fill you deep - he wants his cum to get as far inside you as possible. So he thrusts that much harder, and that much deeper. And you also want this, so you arch your back and push back a bit more.

And when it's all said and done you can still feel his semen inside you for hours. Sometimes it swishes a little when you move, and sometimes it feels like it wants to dribble out a little bit. And for me it was a sexy reminder that not only did I let another man use my hole, but I also, like a true faggot, let him dump his cum in it.

I spent an entire night carrying another man's cum inside me, allowing my body to absorb every drop...

The second guy had this enormous black cock, and massive, heavy balls to match, and I spent hours worshiping him with my mouth. I'm not exaggerating, either. We were in my room for several hours, and even though we spent a decent amount of time chilling, most of my time was spent with my mouth wrapped around him. This is, incidentally, how I discovered that I love worshiping balls.

Like...everything about it was incredible...the masculine scent, the way they felt in my mouth, teasing them with my tongue, as I worked his cock with my hand, or slapped my face with it. I was in heaven. It actually made me so horny that I somehow managed to deepthroat him good and proper - his meat deep in my throat, my chin pressing against his balls, my nose against his pubes. 

But he wasn't an easy cummer, and this was my first time throating a man this big, so he had to lend a hand. Thankfully he didn't mind, and ended up feeding me three massive loads through the night.

They were delicious.

Now, two important things about these hookups: first guy fucked me in boy mode -I was wearing nothing but a jockstrap-, and for my well-endowed hookup I was dressed as a girl, with a wig and a skirt and all. And one thing I liked about him is that even though I was fully passable, he still treated me like a boy. Which is what made these hookups special: they were 100% gay, male/male encounters. Both of these men were there because they wanted to fuck a boy, making this a very affirming experience.

And if that wasn't affirming enough, on the second guy's third and final load, a good chunk of it landed on my face and, since he left shortly after, there was still some on when I went to clean up. So, as I was taking my wig off, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, and saw myself go from cum-covered girl to cum-covered boy, just like that, and I felt a level of joy and inner peace I hadn't before.

It's hard to explain, but it was like getting a double-dose of euphoria, because I can look like a pretty girl (dose 1), and I can ruin this illusion and go back to being an effeminate boy - I'm no longer stuck being a girl (dose 2). On top of that, this was an affirmation that I am a boy, and that I am a transvestite - comfortable both with and without a wig. And finally a confirmation that I am gay - I had my hole bred one night and spent the next one worshiping a man and swallowing every load he gave me, both times openly as a guy.

And so there I was in my mirror - a faggot wearing make-up, smeared by hours of sucking cock, and still showing traces of another man's cum. And I felt proud: this was me.

And I was happy. 

Second: I joined a site for Cross-Dressers!

With everything that happened during last year's second half, especially politically, I found it really difficult to give myself the attention and love that I needed. As such, this blog suffered, my detransition suffered, my sex life evaporated, and I became uncertain about my future. So, in an attempt to pick myself up, I decided to take control of whatever I could - no matter how small - and one important thing I wanted to get serious about was becoming a full-time Cross-Dresser.

Therefore, late December, as a little Christmas present to myself, I joined a community site for CDs so I could spend time with other people like me.

It wasn't quite what I expected, to be sure. There's a disconcerting amount of folks on there who would be better served being on fetlife, because they seem less interested in Cross-Dressing than in their fetish for lingerie. I swear every third profile talks about how satin panties make them feel feminine. And to be clear: that's fine. If their idea of femininity boils down to pantyhose and they like creaming themselves to it, more power to them! But maybe get on fetlife instead, or some other fetish forum, instead of being on a community site?

I'm sorry but I have to get this little rant off my chest because it nags at me, because the site is pretty explicit that it's a non-fetish, support group type community for people to grow and learn from each other. And so I'm out there talking with "gurls" and talking about clothes/transition/detransition/etc; then I get a friend request and it's from another empty-bio panty fetishist. It just kinda takes the wind out of your sails, you know?

Anyways, outside of the people-who-should-move-to-fetlife, it's been a pretty nice experience! I've chatted with a bunch of wonderful "gurls" that come from so many different backgrounds. Most of them are older, and usually have a lot of experience, but then a lot of them are also brand new. Many of them are straight married, most of whom have children, and it's been really interesting seeing how they all relate to their bodies, their sex, and their presentation, and the different degrees of "out" that they are, as well as the support they get from their families and friends.

Some of the stories are heartbreaking, naturally, but the happy stories outnumber them by a wide margin, which is a really wonderful thing to see. Now, it's true that it may be survivorship bias, as folks with negative experiences/consequences might shy away from sharing with -or even joining- the community, but I think the sheer quantity of positive stories alone is a good sign that things might be moving in a positive direction.

That said, one thing that was disappointing is how few CDs like me there are. And I don't mean detransitioners, but rather just guys who like to Cross-Dress. Most of them are either stuck as CDs because they can't transition, or they are just fetishists. Few of them want to live as Cross-Dressers, and even fewer have been successful in finding a balance. What makes it even more disappointing is that I see many of those who want to transition making many mistakes that I made.

One lovely gurl, for example, doesn't have a lick of dysphoria, perfectly comfortable living as a man, and has only been dressing for a few years, but, having support from her wife and their daughter, has decided to pursue social and medical transition - with an eye towards getting breast augmentation later on. When I pressed her on whether transition truly was right for her, she explained that she just felt happier when dressed.

As we talked more, it seemed pretty clear to me that survivorship bias was coloring her perception of her situation, but I didn't have it in me to bring it up. In my view, she'd be happiest living as a feminine man, like yours truly, but she's been swept by the intoxicating euphoria of freedom and acceptance, which, like any dopamine hit, makes you want more, more and more. I also considered that she's older, and that maybe I'm wrong, and maybe she is a woman, and if she is then it's best to not waste any more of her time, you know? Thus I decided to just share my experiences with her and let her decide what she gets from them.

It's just so difficult, because you've seen this movie before, and you know how it ends, and you want to save them all that trouble, but who are you to tell them what mistakes they can or cannot make? And who's to say you wouldn't wind up a Cassandra, absolutely right, and not just completely ignored but accidentally making matters worse?

At any rate, it's been a really nice experience because, on balance, I do get to spend time with fellow CDs, whatever their motivations, which is fantastic because, being male, our experience with femininity is very different from that of women, so it feels cozier and a lot more helpful than hanging out with girls. And it's especially nice that, since we're CDs, we actually acknowledge and make an effort to live with our masculinity, which is something that too many transwomen refuse to do, to their detriment.

 So what else is new?

I've started posting on bluesky again! Not a ton of new content, as it's still a bit tricky with my current living situation, but I've decided it's fine to repost old stuff in between. Especially since most of that stuff was lost during the great tumblr crash, or is otherwise stuck in that hellhole called twitter. That said, I have set in motion some things that should make it easier for me to produce proper content (with a real camera) once more.

Which would be fantastic as things with my job seem to be getting a bit dicey, so I've started thinking about opening an onlyfans/fansly as a hedge, and having an opportunity to provide quality content would be awesome. Also if things go belly-up with my job I might just say "screw it" and start showing my face in pics! I really can't tell you how badly I want to show my face. Like, when I had my face covered in cum, I took a selfie and I wanted to post it sooooooooo badly.

Heck, if I do open an onlyfans and it does well enough I might just quit my job, lol!

Crippling Porn addiction

Yeah... I may have developed one. Letting my body do its own testosterone-y thing has done incredible things for my libido, making me really horny almost non-stop. And so to alleviate it somewhat, I decided it would be a good idea to watch some porn (and I want to take a moment to remind my sweet readers, that when I say "porn" I mean "gay porn," unless otherwise specified). Predictably, watching porn only made things worse. I thought that if I could "rub" quick ones out, I'd expend sufficient sexual energy (and turn myself into a premature ejaculator!), but I was wrong. So then I started edging. I figured, if I could concentrate sufficient energy into one big release, surely that would buy me some down time.

Predictably, I was wrong once more. What ended up happening is I became addicted to porn and edging. So now instead of just spending all day watching guys fuck each other, I also spend all day playing with myself without cumming. Soon enough I found that I couldn't even play games on my computer without hot guys fooling around on my second screen; and then I found myself pausing every few minutes to get an edge in. Surely, things couldn't get any worse...

But then I dusted off my headphones, plugged them in, and unmuted my porn. My logic was thus: a long time ago I got so annoyed with porn noises that I started muting all porn. What my logic failed to consider is that when I started this practice, I was still deluded into thinking I liked girls. So, predictably, what ended up happening when I unmuted my porn is that it just made things worse.

Because one of my favorite things about sex is hearing a man moan and grunt while he's inside me. Like, hearing him moan with pleasure while I use my mouth to pleasure his balls is 10/10. So adding this layer of hotness to porn was just ...a terrible idea in hindsight.

I mean, it's true that sometimes it's excessive and fake, like straight porn, but most of the time it's pretty good - and unlike straight porn, here it's all men. 

So, yeah, I've developed a full-blown, almost crippling, porn addiction. As I write this, in fact, I'm watching a scene from Trunks 3. And my latest strategy to deal with this is likely to backfire spectacularly, as well: I've been caged for a few days now. This means no edging, which should help, but it also means more unspent energy.

We'll see how it goes.

Cross-Dressing as a lifestyle

I love it!

Some of the things I've been doing to change up my living situation involved a lot of legal stuff, which naturally meant a lot of using my legal name. Normally this would've been a very stressful thing for me, living as a woman and all, but it was actually pretty easy now that I'm a boy again. I mean, I still hate my legal name and want to change it at some point, so that part still sucked, but it was kinda neat being referred to as Mr. And, since I wasn't worried about looking passable, nor about passing as straight, it was pretty easy to be myself. Like, typically when I'd meet new people I'd be extremely nervous, but not this time.

Now, fast forward a little bit and I found myself spending some vacation time with family. I haven't told them about my detransition because I see them maybe once every other year, plus I mean it when I say I want to be a full-time CD, so technically my detransition wouldn't change anything anyways.

And I was right, for a change! Despite being off hormones for years, having shorter hair, and being horribly inconsistent with my laser hair removal I was able to pass successfully, full-time, with minimal makeup. It was great.

Bathroom use, though, was annoying as always. Actually, a good bit more stressful than before because back then my problem was impostor syndrome, but now I'm just straight up a boy. It would be great if gender neutral bathrooms were commonplace, but I just had to go to the ladies' room and hope I wasn't clockable (and I wasn't, I was passable; but more importantly as much as transphobes would want you to believe that there's tranny police at bathrooms, there really aren't, the few that exist are an aberration).

Still, outside of bathroom use, just existing felt pretty good! I got to be myself, express my femininity, and have a good time without being suffocated by impostor syndrome. It's crazy how understanding, accepting, and loving myself as a boy in a dress can bring so much peace and comfort. I really think this might actually work out for me!

Two caveats, though, I didn't wear a wig, and I didn't wear breastforms or other shapewear (e.g.: hip pads) either. Reason I didn't wear a wig is because I haven't cut my hair in a year (!!!) and it's long enough to pass as femme, but not so long that I can't pass as masc (but it is too long to tuck under a wig easily). Also because I was staying with my family at their airbnb, and I'm not sure how to explain wigs to "normies" yet. Maybe once I have a fuller collection. As for breastforms, my current ones are just a little too big, and that would be hard to explain. I have ordered a couple of pairs in smaller sizes to find my "Goldilocks" size, and when I do I'll be more comfortable going out with forms.

Breast removal - Goodbye Girls

All of these experiences have helped me decide in favor of pursuing a flat chest. I would like to say that I'll miss these little boobies, but in truth I don't think I will. I mean, they're pretty, but they're not me. Moreover, it's now more true than ever that they are an obstacle to being a boy, and not enough of a benefit to presenting as a woman. And after playing around with breastforms, I gotta admit I far prefer them to these real ones.

I don't have any immediate plans to remove them, but I am doing a little bit of research while I save up money. Ideally I'd like to have it done later this year, or early next.

It's not easy doing research, though, because holy heck so many detrans people are insane. Like, I understand being upset at our current understanding of gender, but I don't know how that morphs into insane transphobia. Because, I get it, mainstream understanding of gender and trans issues suck, and, in general, treatments for dysphoria are terribly binary-enforcing and one-size-fits-all, and I know of so many trans people who are unhappy with their transition, but I don't understand how that turns into transphobia. If anything it should encourage us to ditch gender altogether, erase the binary, and free people to be who they want to be without constraints - it should make us more pro-trans!

But I'm gonna stop myself there before I go on and on about this, and circle back to my point, which is that I'd really like to know what doctors MtF detrans people went to and were happy with, but it feels impossible because their toxicity permeates so much of their content. Like, dude I just wanna know if you're happy with your flat chest, I don't want to hear about why you think transition should be outlawed, wtf.

It's just so much brain rot.

Anyways, this is I guess an open ask to my lovely readers (hey, you!) that if you know any good surgeons, or know anybody who knows good surgeons, for breast reduction/removal (and bonus points if it's for detrans purposes!), please send them my way. It would really help a boy out.

Coming Out

 As I'm writing this, I've officially come out to two "normie" friends. One of them a transgirl, who said she saw it coming because I'd come out to her as a sissy years ago, and fully supports me. And another I've literally just told about an hour ago via snapchat. This friend hasn't replied yet, and I know they'll be supportive, but this wait is killing me. (They're really bad at replying.)

I don't know if I'm going to "come out" proper to other normie friends because, again, full-time CD means that there will be no meaningful change, and I dunno if it's worth any awkwardness. Though, as I type this, I think it makes sense that I should come out to them since they're my friends and they'd probably want to be supportive.

Still, one idea I have for coming out is to do it on a livestream. I have mentioned before (though it may be in drafts...I hope not) that my "normie" self livestreams videogames for fun, and so I think it would be neat to one day just show up all dolled up - makeup, wig, breastforms, cute outfit, everything - and then just casually come out. Maybe make it a bit like a little celebration, even.

I mean, I guess I have been laying down a bit of groundwork for this, as my general attitude towards gender (get rid of it!!) kinda comes through a lot, and I've been casually throwing out both gender-neutral and masc pronouns/descriptors for myself . I don't really do it on purpose, it just sort of happens, and it's been going on long enough that I reckon people might be expecting me to come out as non-binary any day now.

Road Trip, Anyone?

And to close out this all-too-long-already post, I want to share that I might be going on a little road trip in a couple of weeks. I still have to iron details out, but I'm looking at spending a week driving across the country! This is exciting because I'll be doing it solo, and therefore will be a great opportunity to fully dress - forms, wig, and all!

A big challenge, though, is picking my stopping points. While most states I'll cross will be lgbt+ friendly (or at least neutral), some will be unfriendly, and I'll be wanting to spend as little time as possible in these. However, in those cities where queers are welcome, I'm hoping to get a little bit of R&R and maybe have a hookup or two.

Either way, it will be really nice to spend some time by myself, where I can be as gay as I want, as girly as I want, and I very much look forward to it!