Unfinished Business

That's what I would call this year, if I were to give it a name.

It's been a little over a month since I've last written, and, frankly, not much has happened in that time. At least nothing truly exciting. While I have written several notes in my little journal, I've been unable to dedicate to them the time required to make them fit for publishing.

I've just been so busy. So, so busy. Work has been a handful and a half these last couple of months, so I'm really looking forward to the holidays when I'll be able to shut my brain off for a short while. Still, I'm here now, and though my brain is tired, I want to try and share some things with you.

For example... 

I renewed my PrEP!

Not that I've been giving it any use (makes me cry inside) because I've been too worn out by work to muster the energy to push through the gauntlet of disappointment known as Grindr.

However, it was a very uplifting occasion, going back to the clinic, because I'd forgotten how good it feels to be open and honest about myself. Once again the doc ran me through the standard questions to make sure all the info was correct and up-to-date: so you're male, you're exclusively interested in sex with other men, not women, you practice anal and oral sex, etc. And answering them was great, because it's a welcoming, no-judgment environment, and because it's very reaffirming to be open abut these things to someone else (especially since I've no-one IRL with whom to talk about these things*).

Another thing that was great was how there was a conscious effort from the doctor to use male pronouns. At one point the nurse, sweet bean that she was, referred to me as them (which is a good thing to default to when there's doubt!) while talking to the doc over a comm (they have this weird two-room setup) and then switched to him. No questions, no judgment, nothing.

If this is the future, it looks bright for weird little enbies** like me.

 

I miss hormones.

There: I said it.

I miss how soft and clean they make my skin, and, most importantly, how much they help with facial hair. Because, oh my gosh, is it a pain in the butt to deal with! Like seriously, there's these two hairs, one on either side of my chin, and they love, just absolutely ADORE, getting in-grown. Like that's their raison d'être. So you couple those annoying little bumps with this bad habit of scratching at them and you've got a recipe for never-ending little scabs.

Still, I've been making it work. I finally -FINALLY!- found myself a foundation that matches my skin and covers all the tiny hairs that refuse to be plucked, so at least I can look presentable, even pretty, as long as I get enough prep time. So I'm not about to go back on hormones any time soon, though now that I think about it I should perhaps look into the possibility of lowering my testosterone levels without having to get on E.

 

No-Nut November was a bust.

One of the things I don't miss about hormones is this incredible sex drive I'm enjoying. Like, work might be killing me, but it won't (completely) stop me from being horny (though it's been alarmingly common to find myself too tired to be horny). And while it's true that the pleasure from playing with my boystick can't hold a candle to that from playing with my bussy, it's been good enough to tide me over. To put it another way, while it doesn't satisfy me, it offers a bit of respite to keep me from completely losing my mind.

So I can't say I regret losing the challenge; especially since I managed Locktober, for which I'm pretty proud. But I do confess some regret in how cavalier I've been about allowing myself cummies. It all started with near-constant edging, which was amazing, until I went too far one time, and after that -since I'd failed- I kinda stopped trying to hold back.

I was a bit of a bad boi...

Anyways, I've been a lot better about controlling myself now in December, so maybe I'll try a bit of chastity before the year's over. We'll see.

Gay Collecting

I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm looking to buy a home - no more renting: owning. For this, a bunch of things have had to come together: housing prices have to go down, availability has to go up, and I need to have enough financial security. While none of those metrics are at 100% yet, they're close enough that I'm starting to concoct some plans, as it could all happen as soon as next Spring!

So, knowing that I'm going to have a place that's truly, completely, unequivocally mine, I want to collect and showcase gay things, both openly and privately. For a private collection, for example, I've started buying porn*** DVDs. You read that right, DVDs. Sadly there's not a lot of Blu-Rays out there (unless you like straight porn), but that's okay, it's a long-term, growing collection. Plus, the main benefit of collecting is, well, collecting them. As time marches on, a lot of these titles/scenes might be lost to the sands of time, but physical media will hold a permanent record. The second benefit is having a bookcase that unequivocally displays your tastes.

As far as public collections go, I've been looking into (and picking up) a few magazines and photography books focusing on the male form and drag/crossdressing/trans-issues. Some of them, like some Transformation Magazine issues, I want to collect as a matter of preserving a bit of lgbt culture/history. On the other hand, when it comes to pictorials, I want them to blur the line between art and porn, like a few issues of Crotch magazine and a few pictorial hardbacks.

I'm also thinking about having an erotic literature collection, but that's a bit iffy, since erotica can be very hit or miss (more often than not they're hard misses). That said, I'm wide open to recommendations.

Vagina envy.

For several weeks, I'd been going through a lot of self-doubt; so much self-doubt that it was bordering on depression-inducing. See, I really want to be able present a completely smooth front. I want to be able to wear leggings and appear just like a girl - not even the slightest hint of a bump.

I've talked a bit about this before, namely when I mused in writing of having my testicles removed, but -setting aside the fact that I'd have to take T for the rest of my life- I have to accept that it wouldn't get me the flatness I want.

Because the only way to achieve this flatness is total removal of the goods. And the best way to do this, while keeping some sort of working genitalia, is through vaginoplasty. So in order to achieve this flatness I'd have to give up my penis and get a vagina.

I'm sure you see the problem.

Not only do I want to keep my bits as they are, but I also really, really do not want a vagina.

Thus, this unresolved, negative, self-reinforcing loop was driving me up the wall, and down a dark path. UNTIL I realized why I wanted the flat front. I thought it was because it's feminine, and by extension sexy, and while that's not the case it's pretty close.

I now believe that it's primarily about emasculation. Just like how chastity is about giving up masculinity, and how being a femboi is about rejecting masculinity and embracing femininity while being male, so is having a flat front yet another way to present femininity and lack of masculinity to the world. It's sexy primarily because it's not masculine.

And it might seem silly to you, but for me it was a complete paradigm shift. I no longer need to have a perfectly smooth front, but just smooth enough. And this is something I can achieve. More importantly, it's something I can achieve without surgery. While it means that I need to relearn tucking (something I've forgotten with lockdown and my increased use of boi undies) and/or find gaffs that work for me, it also means that once I find the perfect way to smooth out my bits I'll be a lot more comfortable wearing leggings, and I won't be nearly as stressed about covering up the front as I'd been in the past.

Additionally, it served as a reminder that, as a femboy, I'm now technically a full-time crossdresser, and that I can use what other crossdressers and drag queens have figured out (and transwomen) instead of trying to come up with new solutions and carving out entire new paths. Because that's a trap I fall into all too frequently: trying to reinvent the wheel. I do it in my vanilla life, I do it at work, and I've been overdoing it with my journey of self-discovery.

Hopefully this revelation will help me avoid the trap in the future, or at the very least help me identify it more quickly.

 

Weight Loss is back!

To end this post on a positive note, I just want to share that I'm starting to lose weight again! Increasing my intake to get my body used to a higher calorie count before slowly cutting back again has yielded results! I'm now down to 145lbs (65kg) and I'm really loving how thin I'm looking. I've still got 19-22lbs to go (9-10kg) to reach my goal, but by golly this is the first time in a long while I've felt good about my body. 

If things continue on-pace, I'll be at the finish line by the end of January! Which isn't just good news for me, but also for you, because I'll feel sexy enough to start posting again! So cross your fingers for me!

*On that note, I really, really, really need to make friends IRL with whom I can talk about these things. Like I'm kind of annoyed with how "straight" I have to talk all the time. I want to talk gay and fag it up, you know?

**While I actually identify as bigender/femboy, I think NB is a good shorthand/umbrella, especially since there's a larger NB population, who will also benefit more broadly from this future.

***When I say "porn" I mean gay porn. Any other kind of porn will be specified appropriately (e.g.: "straight porn").