Old Hang-Ups

And the endless process to shake them off.

I recently tweeted about a trip. I do play coy about a lot of these things because there's a lot of stuff that I want to share and be open about, but at the same time so little I actually can share. However there's two things I want to share. First, that I came back from the trip with a really nasty allergic reaction to something (really, no clue what) and I'm on antibiotics, which is why I haven't really posted much in the last couple of weeks, nor been out sucking cock (which I really want to do, I can't tell you how horny I was last night since I couldn't sleep, and even now as I type this I really wish I could be testing my throat with one right now).

Second, and more important, I opened up about relationship (mostly sexual) hangups to a childhood friend and his wife.

It's not something new, but it's something I like revisiting every once in a while. I use it as a sort of landmark with which to measure my progress in this incredible journey of liberation. Plus, if you know where you came from, you can better plot out where you're heading. I mean, this journey started as me wanting to become gay. Now, even though the mind is malleable, and brainwashing is a real thing, stuff like gay conversion therapy is a dangerous sham. So I knew from the get-go that "becoming" gay probably wasn't going to happen, but "forced homosexuality" can be a powerful fetish so I ran with it anyway.

I did consider the idea that the reason I was into this was because I was secretly gay already and this was a way to approach this side of me - and I did fantasize and wish this were the case - but even my most optimistic expectations fell short of what happened. I covered in my previous post the reason why: the really tragic prior experiences with men. And I also covered the big revelation that, well, I'd succeeded! So it is with this measure of progress and success that I want to revisit my past again, this time with you.

I'm not sure how we got on the subject of relationships, BUT...

There I was, sitting between my friend and his beautiful wife (with whom I'd spent the entire day hanging out and walking around the city, and I really, really, really wanted to ask how she managed to get her hair so tightly arranged, but ultimately didn't) and I was explaining to them how I was totally fine being single ™, when I decided to just explain the evolution of dating for me as a trans person. Partially because while my friend had known me since middle school, his wife and I had only met a couple of times; and even though he was supportive through my transition, and she was super chill about it too, there's some things cis folks just don't expect. So I explained to them how the reason I was the first in my group of friends (my guy, here, included) to have a serious girlfriend, and have sex, was because I knew I wasn't "one of the guys" so I had this immense pressure to outperform everybody.

See, I grew up in a very "macho" society, in which not being a straight guy was kind of a sin. Now, it was a fairly civilized society, to be fair, so there was no real threat of physical violence, but the threats of being bullied and ostracized where extremely real. So, since I wasn't the manliest of mans[sic], I went for the other metrics of successful manhood: girlfriends and sex. And I went for gold.

After this girlfriend, I would never be single again until I hit university. I had two other girls, one ridiculously hot, and another with the perfect balance of looks & brains (see how I'm purposefully describing them in chauvinistic terms? I'm honest-to-goodness not nearly this shallow, but these were things that held the capital that I needed), and even though I had bright spots in these relationships I cannot dodge the fact that they weren't real. These girls weren't dating me, they were dating the guy I was supposed to be.

Which is why, as I was explaining to my friends, that last girlfriend broke up with me: because I came out as trans. And I want to take a moment here to say that this is perfectly okay. I feel like, at least at the time, there was a lot of negativity towards people who would end relationships over this, and I think that's unfair and unwise. Frankly, I can tell you (knowing what we now know about me) that it wouldn't have worked out. And even though she couldn't have known, we all have our preferences and we should all have our limits respected. Even though it hurt to see her go, I didn't beg, I had to do my thing, and she had to do her thing, simple as that.

I think my friends understood.

Thus I continued with the next part of the story, which is that I just wasn't used to being single, so I went on to date two (trans, though I left that part out when telling my friends, as it makes little difference) girls. Great moments, great memories, but -and I'm a terrible person for this- the relationships just never were real. From the moment I'd turned 15, my entire self-worth and identity had been tied to being with girls: hot girlfriend meant success, being single meant the opposite. Therefore I never gave myself the opportunity to be alone, and figure out who I truly am for myself.

I also didn't mention that I didn't give myself the time and space to properly explore my sexuality, because it wasn't relevant to the conversation, but I'm taking advantage of the fact that this is my blog to plug it in.

So, when that final relationship came to an end, I was pretty lost.

I tried dating girls, but nothing really came of it. I just wasn't attracted to them.

To be fair, it's also the lifestyle. Las Vegas is a great place for people who like to party, and a lot of the girls on the Tinder liked to do just that, and that's just not my scene. I'm a very personal kind of person, like one-on-one or small gatherings.

But eventually I decided to start getting to know myself a bit better. I didn't tell my friends this, but it was when I pursued chastity and sissification in earnest. There was something so appealing, so subversive, about relinquishing control, about finding men sexually attractive, about letting myself be pretty and girly and pink. It literally went against everything I'd known for the previous decade! Look, the only reason I watched porn with women on it, the only reason I dated girls, was because I was told this was what I was supposed to do. And it was a hangup I carried through transition, part of this whole bullshit of "I'll still be the same person you knew!"

And pardon the language, but that is such brainwashy nonsense. Why should we transition only to change how we present? That's rubbish. We transition, we explore and mold our gender and our identity to find out who we really are, not to stay stuck in the mold someone else made for us. That line of thinking, I really hope it's no longer common, but back in my day was the expected MO. Like, sure, I still share a lot of traits with who I was in my teens -like my love for Star Wars, sequel haters can leave cus all SW movies are good- but I'm also a vastly different person to who I was in my early 20s and not just because of age.

Anyways...

I still hadn't identified any of these things as hangups, so eventually I got myself embroiled in an online thing with someone who allowed me to explore my submissive side. The whole thing ended very, very poorly and that was when I decided that I was done with women. Now, this person was non-binary, but was AFAB and I didn't learn this until after we'd been messing a bit for a while, so maybe being done with "women" isn't correct, but I was certainly done with female-aligned folks. I think I posted about this back on my (now-defunt) tumblr - that I was committing to become gay. I think it was this precisely why I opened this blog!

At any rate, what I told my friends was that I had an online relationship turn beyond sour, which left a bad taste in my mouth for relationships, and because of which I decided I'm happier single (than with bad company). To be fair to me, this is also actually true. It's why I have yet to seek in earnest a relationship with a man.

And to be fair to me some more, it's not entirely unwarranted, because I'll be honest: yes, I like guys, but my god guys need to step up, I swear. I have a gay friend who laments being gay, not because he wishes he were straight, but because so many guys suck so bad. There's so many stories of men doing awful things to women, and so many men that keep quiet about what other men do to them. Thus my gay friend has been single for probably longer than I have. And before someone INEVITABLY goes "not all men," (yes, you can sit down) I know there's good guys out there. I've worked with several excellent dudes, with really lucky girlfriends. And, indeed, I ended up finding a quality dude to have some quality sex, and I'm still talking to a few quality guys out there. But hookups are one thing and relationships are another. While I would frankly LOVE to find Mr Right, right now, I'm not really out here looking for him. Which is a good thing for both him and me! See, I'm hoping that by the time I find him, I'll have had enough practice to be the best boi he'll ever be with - I want to be trophy boi material.

Bringing this back to the beginning...

It's wild how much I have de-programmed myself in just a couple of years (unless you count the 1 or 2 where I started flirting with sissification, before I finally made the decision). I've managed to break the indoctrination that women are what I'm supposed to like and accepted what I really like (though I've yet to come out, again); I broke the idea that even living as a woman I should be stoic and strong (because it was supposed to still be me! Except that guy never was me) and allowed myself to be a bottom. More importantly, I'm now breaking through the gender barrier (again).

Flying out as someone who hasn't had the opportunity to change their legal name or official gender marker presents some curious challenges. See, I haven't stopped presenting as female, because I like it, I move most comfortably like this (once I feel I pass well enough), and I've honestly never made much of a man. So occasionally I'll have people get confused. It doesn't happen super often, because folks get pretty good training these days, but this time I had someone ask me "how is this your name?"

It's funny because I was dressed in as androgynous a manner as possible.

Super cool encounter, though, I feel like I left a good impression and they learned something that day. But the reason I'm sharing this with you is because I'm becoming a lot more comfortable with this bigender business. Years ago I would've been mortified by this, seriously mortified. But now it's cool. It's so cool that as I checked in for the Urgent Care (for the allergic reaction I picked up) I didn't bother giving them my chosen name (until the form asked for it, at which point I thought it was pretty neat). And it didn't bother me when they didn't read the form and didn't use the chosen name I ended up writing in. Okay, well, it didn't bother me any more than it ever has (I've always just hated my name, really, never liked the sound, nor the letters and their arrangement. It's not a bad name, just I don't think it fits me, and wish I had a different, more elegant name).

And recently, when I finally got the chance to renew my license using an X for the gender marker, I picked the M. And I took my picture looking pretty, wearing some low-key casual makeup and may gay-male-flag earrings! And I smiled for it, too! Man, I wish I could share without doxxing the crap out of myself! Maybe in a few years, when I'm less concerned with maintaining a good job, and am chill showing my face and maybe opening an onlyfans or something.

Anyways, the reason this is great is because I'm just naturally breaking out of the binary! I'm expressing femininity (or androgyny!) with the expectation that society will see me as a girl, but with the understanding that they may not, and welcoming the fact that I'm not really one. And that all of this is okay because I'm not really a man either.

I swear, one of these days I'll be able to explain it well.

Still, this is so great that it's encouraging me to pursue androgyny even further! Because, here's the deal, I still feel safest in women's spaces, particularly bathrooms. I want to be able to feel at home in men's restrooms, but too many cishet men have serious hangups about gender and its presentation. So if people still read me as female when I'm andro, then I'll stick to the places where I don't risk becoming a victim. But if by slight changes to my appearance -like shorter hair, slightly different clothes- I can push the needle juuuuust enough to where people have a hard time reading me, then I'll have the flexibility to choose based on the environment, you know?

None of this is final, of course. It's all just exploratory. I have this feeling that re-entering male spaces will be a welcome change, now that I have a better handle on who and what I am, and I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. But there's a chance it might not. It's possible it might suck, even if it's just because dudes can't aim to save their lives (have you seen airplane bathrooms even on flights without turbulence? If I can hit the target with my tiny little thing, I don't see why other men would have so much trouble). But you know what, all my life I was afraid to explore and try new things -because I was afraid of what I might learn about myself. But now? Well, I'm no "yes man" happy-go-lucky boi open to everything, but I'm still many times more open to new things than I was before, because I want to learn more about myself.

And I think that's probably the ultimate measure in how far I've come, wouldn't you agree? A few years ago I probably would've asked to see my friend alone, too shy to talk with his wife -almost a stranger to me. This trip I spent a whole day hanging out with her! I spent an entire day, in a new city, with a new person, and it was great! I wasn't nervous! I knew who I was, and if she didn't like it, I could just go back to my room, no problem!

Wow!

And I want to thank you. Were it not for this blog, and for all the friends I've made on this journey, both before and since this blog, and all the folks who support all my content, I wouldn't have made it this far. You, and this blog, have helped me find the strength and the courage to go looking for myself. The will, the desire, and the curiosity to pursue those little voices inside of me, that I thought were just small side kinks but turned out to be so much more. And even though so much has changed, and so many things have been left behind, having you still with me continues to push me on this journey no matter where it might lead.

And if I'm lucky enough to one day find a spot to plant my flag and say "this is it! This is my stop, I have found myself," I hope I'm also lucky enough to still be around you all.

Some other thoughts...

I fear my posts may reek a bit of transphobia.

Mainly because I can't stop talking about how much I want cocks, and how much I love "real men," etc. I want to categorically state, for those in the back, as I've done before: trans men are men. Simple. So maybe they weren't born with the parts I crave, that's fine, that doesn't make them men any less. Does that make us sexually incompatible? Maybe. Just like a cis man with a penis that's not big enough; or one that's too big. But the litmus test for whether someone is a man or not is not whether I can drink their sperm or not. And, for the record, though I don't write paragraphs and paragraphs about this, I'm open to being with them, so open. Obviously there would be conversations about what we're into, what we're open to doing, etc., but I think it could be fun. So, all guys rule -cis or otherwise, and if you disagree, please leave.

I have a cashapp!

A very kind follower on twitter recently (like a month+ ago, lol) encouraged me to open an onlyfans, so people could give me moneys to support my lewds (he phrased it better). Because I'm unreliable, I don't want to do that, HOWEVER, since it's my birthday month and my eyes are bigger than my New Responsible Budget™, I decided to sell out and open a cashapp! That way folks can give me money if they want, and I can spend it buying cute things like sexy outfits, and thongs, and makeup, and wigs, and etc. That way I get cute things, everyone gets fresh content, we all win! Anyways, the cashapp is $FemboiCharlie (it's also on my twitter bio thingy) and I really hope to the heavens that the thing won't dox me (if it does, please let me know...seriously, please).

Also, did I mention it's my birthday month??

I've started using they/them.

Mostly by accident, really, in my "normal" online life, and not at all seriously. Sometimes, for comedic effect, I like to refer to myself in the third person. See, I used to stream, and among my small group of friends, I somehow acquired a bit of a legendary reputation. Not because I was known far and wide, but because my streams somehow were (almost) always really good times -and the really, really good ones were legendary. Again, this was among my modest, small group of friends. ANYWAYS, the important thing is that I like to have fun with this by speaking about myself in the third person, as if I were that cool chick's rep or something. So one day I wanted to use male pronouns, not only did it feel kind of natural but I also like stirring the pot and throwing people off. However, I figured just jumping into he/him might be a biiiit to disruptive, and provoke convos I'm not ready for yet, nor am I keen to go around dodging, so I just went with the neutral they/them. And I didn't hate it! I flipped between that and female pronouns, people didn't react. (Bit of a bummer tbh, I was hoping for something, but I guess that's just how much progress we've made!!!)

As I write this, I wonder if I can lean in on this and come out again to folks... Hmmmm, intriguing.

The F Word.

I wanted to write a bit about my feelings about the word 'faggot,' but as I stare at the little title there I realize that femboi is another F word, and one I also want to explore openly. I think this is because they both refer to a specific type of man. For example, you have perfectly "normal" masc gay and bi men. They may be tops, bottoms or switches, but they're still masc, and strong, and stoic, and not the kind you'd call a faggot. And gay/bi men don't even have to be masc to not fit, they just have to not be, you know, faggots. So what is a faggot? I think a faggot is a man who is debilitatingly attracted to other men, one with a certain degree of desperation in his craving. One who will submit, possibly debase himself, because he just wants other men that badly, to please them above all else. A man will bottom for another because he likes it, and he wants it - a faggot needs it.

In a way, it's very classical Greek. People have been rehabilitating the image of homosexuality in ancient Greece, but it wasn't as flowery as they'd have you believe. Even though MLM gay activities were relatively commonplace, it was a very hierarchical thing. Older men, like teachers, would penetrate younger men, like their students, as if they were women. And the expectation was that eventually these bottoms would grow up and get their wives and never bottom again. Consensual gay sex among adults was the exception, and usually the bottom would be seen as a woman - a lesser (because ancient Greeks were pretty sexist).

Back to the f word, I think that, effectively, the main marker of a faggot is that he's happy being "lesser." He's happy being used like an object. He's happy being a cumdump. And I think that's why I'm so attached to that word. I feel it describes me well. I want to submit to men, I want to be used, I want to feel "lesser." The whole reason I want to get on PrEP is so I can take loads and loads of cum.

And to add the Greek twist? I'm happy to be a feminine boi. I'm happy to be effeminate, put on makeup, get fucked in lingerie. Though I do want to acknowledge, not all fembois are gay, nor are they all happy to be considered "less" than other men. Still, I think it's fairly safe to say that they at least consider themselves "apart" from other men, and that's why I gravitate towards it. Regardless of my feelings as a faggot, or from being gay, I just don't see myself as a man - and I don't want to. I go through extensive literary pains to avoid calling myself a man - for example, I'll rewrite sentences, whole paragraphs if need be, to use "male" instead (trust me, replacing a noun with an adjective is not always easy).

But fembois don't necessarily crossdress. I think some of the better ones straddle that androgyny line like they're a Cirque Du Soleil tightrope acrobat. And that's where my inspiration in pursuit of androgyny comes from, I think. Circling back to the main post, I really hope one day I can really make it, so instead of asking if that's my name they'll go "ooooh, that's your name! Alright."

That one day, after seeing my ID, they'll recognize me as a boi instead of reading me as a woman.

PS: this one got a bit away from me, I just wanted to say I like being called a faggot. That's all.

Not proofreading this one!

If I do, it'll end in drafts, I just know it. I powered through a whole afternoon typing this out, through unparalleled itching and discomfort and I refuse to let it go to drafts.