That's Sugarcane That Tasted Good

 That's cinnamon, that's Hollywood

Anybody else enjoy R.E.M. or is it just me?

I picked Imitation of Life for the title of this post because there's a lot going on, a lot of thoughts in my head and things I want to write about, but I can only settle on one: The Sims 4. I've spent a ridiculous amount of time playing this game for almost a month now, and I've no sign of stopping. Now this might seem like a no-brainer to some of you, but it's caught me entirely by surprise. Sims is not a game I've played this much, this consistently, since TS2. I think these games and I drifted apart around the time I left home to go to university, and even though I picked up TS4 around launch, it was in such a sorry state that I wrote it off.

Now, though, I've found it extremely therapeutic.

Credit to Maxis/EA, as they have improved it a lot since release, which makes their almost predatory DLC model seem reasonable (they've turned Sims into a semi-live-service experience that still gets regular free updates 8 years after release - wow!). More importantly, Sims is one of those games that celebrates diversity in all its forms (or as many as Sim City's engine, and Sims' near-decade-old codebase, will permit). As an example, let me introduce you to Morgyn Ember, a character who identifies as male, has a flat chest, a vagina, and doesn't limit himself to fashion choices of either gender. This character was designed like this. He's not a bug, he's not random; Maxis/EA wanted this.

Even more important than that, they recently added a Rio Carnaval "Streetwear Kit" that celebrates gay/drag identities, and was "inspired" by real-life Drag Queen Pabllo Vittar. And when I say "recently", I mean "just earlier this year". It would seem like providence, then, that this would drop just as I'm re-assessing my identity.

And providence it may well be, because Sims 4 has (with the help of a lot of grown-up mods) been both cathartic and very helpful in exploring different identities in a safe environment. Now, you're probably thinking that I'm exaggerating, and you'd be a little bit right. Of course I can't explore every nook and cranny of these identities, because it's not real: it's an imitation of life. It does, however, present situations that I don't routinely encounter (I'm still working from home), but might in the future.

For example, my sims identify as male and use he/him pronouns, despite being super feminine. Now that's fine and dandy when I'm in control of what they're doing, and their experiences are curated by me. But then one day an event happened and the use of he/him caught me off-guard. Beyond that, there's currently a bug in (at least) the acting career where they'll dress your sim based on gender (as opposed to fashion preference), so I had to deal with the sim navigating through this awkward situation. Now, the sim didn't mind, the sim wasn't even aware there was a problem, for him and all the sims this was normal. But I was aware, and it did feel unpleasant (at first, afterwards it was just mildly annoying), because here's my little Fem Diva, dressed up like some rugged cowboy!

What an interesting experience.

Situations like the challenge me to examine myself, my assumptions, and my expectations. This, in turn helps me prepare for a future in which my public identity might be completely different from the one I have now. I'll give you an example, because I'm feeling generous (and because I need to get this off my chest), but it's a long one, so get a nice drink and make yourself comfy.

Here we go...

I recently renewed my drivers license, and I noticed that in the amazing state of Nevada, you now have the option of choosing X as your gender marker if you don't identify as your gender assigned at birth. Years ago, it would've been a no-brainer for me to pick it, but now it's not so easy. As I've mentioned before, the more I explore and reconcile my "male" side, the more I want to embrace it. So now I'm at a crossroads: do I want to keep identifying publicly as female and pick that X, or do I want to move towards a femboy identity? This was the first "rubber hits the road" moment for me; this would be my first decision to have a measurable impact on my relationship with the real world. Am I, under all my clothes, makeup, hair, still male, or something else?

I felt confident that I knew what the answer should be, but I still reached out to a good friend for some perspective. He was very insightful, and his point of view agreed with mine, which was very encouraging. Thus, barring another identity crisis, my gender marker shall remain M.

Still, how many people ever get to see my ID? I figured that virtually nobody would ever need to see my ID - only cops and bartenders, and I can't remember when I last encountered either. What I didn't figure was, much like in my sim's case, my employer. And this might seem like a moot point, because this has always been an issue with employers in the past, and they've always very graciously allowed me to use my chosen name. And this is fine, except when mistakes happen, and one such mistake happened very recently: for some reason my name on the company's IM app has changed to my legal name. This is pretty mortifying, because my coworkers don't know me by that name. I don't even know how many even know I'm not a cis/woman.

It's also extra mortifying because I really, really don't like my legal name. I don't mind that it's a male name, I just never liked the sound of it - even when I was too young to be concerned with gender, I hated it.

Anyways, like my sim, I've now found myself unexpectedly dealing with mismatched identities at work. And unlike when I'm first joining a workplace, where this kind of stuff is quickly dealt with and it's handled on a need-to-know basis, this is being broadcast for anyone to see. More importantly, it is happening where an identity (and expectations) has already been established.

Despite being in an uncomfortable situation, I'm not really distraught by it. In fact, today, a co-worker told me my name was different on their app and I casually waved it away as IT being IT, and it should be sorted out soon-ish. No mention of who that name belonged to, or why it was being assigned to me. No questions asked. It was nice.

Truth be told, part of me is strangely okay with this turn of events. Not happy, just unburdened. I think this is a good sign for the future, as I begin thinking about how to approach identity at my next job.

And just like this, there's myriad other little interactions waiting for me that I haven't even considered. In this, TS4 has been so helpful. By helping my little sim navigate his life through work, homeownership, relationships, I do more than just live vicariously through him (which is loads of fun in its own right).

Other things I've explored through my sim include relationships with women (can confirm, not interested, lol), relationships to other trans and non-binary people, dressing feminine with male clothes, playing with short hair, going topless, and, most recently, breasts. This last one might seem odd to my regular readers, because I've been wishing out loud that I had a flat chest, but the breasts I've been "trying out" have been ridiculously big breasts (think obscenely large implants), and to be honest I really like the look. I think I've discovered the sissy-to-rubber-doll pipeline!

I really want to get a nice DD breastplate now; thank you, Sims 4.

I've also been having fun

I realize that I've made it sound like playing Sims is this sort of gateway to deeper understanding of the self, and it's that, but it's also an avenue to have fun. Most of my exploration has been incidental, secondary to the main event: playing cute little fembois and hooking up (and marrying!) hot guys. There's something just so delightful about parading around with a boi, seducing "straight" guys. And it's wonderful enough to have them go on dates, and watch them kiss and be intimate with each other, but some mods let them take their clothes off and show each other how they really feel.

I have so much fun with my gay sims that I set up a gay stripclub, and even installed a prostitution mod. And it's quirky (buggy), and some of the interactions (and animations) are kind of strange (and buggy), but it doesn't matter. Sure, the top's dick is poking out of the bottom's belly button, but it doesn't matter because they're having the time of their lives! (And you can just move the camera, too.) And if you use your imagination you can imagine that the little faggot getting his brains fucked out could be you, and indeed one day it will be you. One day you'll be getting fucked just like that, by a hot guy just like that.

And you can imagine that one day life might be exactly like that: where it's perfectly fine to be a boy, look like a girl, hook up with guys, and nobody will care. That you won't have trouble finding employment because of it. That your friends and family will love you even if one day you show up to the pool, topless, with a DD-sized chest.

And wouldn't that be great? 

 

One more thing before I go

I did something I thought I'd never do: I took all my girl panties out of my panty drawer.

They're all in a little organizer box thingy now. To be fair, a shake-up of the drawer was long overdue, as I have too many panties, and so many of them I hadn't worn in ages; but this was really to swap them out for my gay undies, which are what I wear most of the time (e.g.: yesterday I wore one of my jocks and I *know* that it showed over the top of my jeans).

One of the really interesting things that came out of this exercise was the realization that I don't have enough boi thongs. This is such a strange thing to realize, but it tracks, since I have tons of girl thongs. Same thing with bikini style undies. I'll be fixing this soon, though, but it's good to know because it means I can cool off on buying jockstraps (I'm addicted).

Don't worry, I still like wearing girl panties, so I won't be getting rid of them. Quite the opposite, I'll be clearing out a drawer just for them and my bras - just as I have one for lingerie. I just need to rearrange my other drawers first.

I'll admit, as elated as I get every time I look at my drawer full of jockstraps and pretty boi thongs and bikinis, I also feel a little sad. Like I'm betraying something, but I guess that's how we feel whenever we cross a threshold and leave something behind. At the end of the day, however I feel about things, I can't deny that undies made for men agree better with my anatomy, especially while caged, and a comfy faggot is a happy faggot.