Deleted Drafts

 I keep wanting to write things on here... 

... there's a lot I want to share. It is seldom that I make time to write anything at all, and just as common that I delete whatever I do write. Sometimes it boils down to everything coming across as nonsense, sometimes it's just best to not say some things, and sometimes there's just no point.

This time, however, I want to write, so I write.

I shall write an update, and it shan't be deleted (though it's been heavily edited).

Here goes...

Update on my 'gay shit':

I continue to get gayer and gayer every day. I fantasize about men, I want a boyfriend really badly, I want t be covered in cum, and I only enjoy gay porn (yes, this includes sissies/traps/fembois/cds). Straight/lesbian (any porn with cis-women) continues to become even more irrelevant to me.* In fact a few weeks ago I tried watching some lesbian videos and found it about as stimulating as The Hobbit movie (sorry, Hobbit fans).

Porn with trans women in it remains a bit of a gray area. On the one hand, they're definitely not 'boys', but on the other it's sort of inspiring. It's still not my preference - I don't go out of my way to look at it. When I do encounter it, most of the time it's more of an inspiring experience than an arousing one, and I hope this trend continues.

It's funny, though, how gay I'm turning out to be... Whenever I'm scrolling through my newtumbl feed and I see a really nice ass (there's lots of 'em), I remember how I used to only find girl's asses arousing. I wish I could travel back in time and shake myself, screaming "have you seen a man, though???"

I didn't know what I was missing then, and I'm very glad I'm no longer missing out.

My anal practice says "hi":

I've also started working on my boipussy again. I bought a new glass plug with a t-handle and it's amazing for long-term wear. It's so comfortable you can easily forget that you're keeping your hole ready to go.

If only cleaning my hole wasn't such a chore, ugh. Still, should be ready to take some real cocks as soon as it's safe.

Oh, I've also started wearing jockstraps semi-regularly! I always shied away from them because they're a very masculine-coded item, and because I was iffy about not having any cover back there, but they've really grown on me. It *is* hard to find backless panties and girly jockstraps, so I've started off my collection in earnest with some pretty Calvin Klein ones in pride colours, and I must say I truly love them. They keep my (caged) clitty snug and covered, and my ass supported and available. Makes it easier to check on my buttplug, too.

Regarding chastity:

Those of you who follow my chastity tracker may have noticed a long streak of "Recovery" days. I believe I've explained it before, but, as a refresher, these are days when I would normally be locked but for health reasons I don't (as opposed to when I'm unlocked without a good reason). This time I had very bad swelling on my foreskin, like reaaaaaally bad. Happened when I was trying out a new cage that seemed very promising... Alas, it was not to be. I'm back to working with my cherry keepers. I did purchase a small power tool to help me sand them down to a much needed smoother finish and my preliminary work seems to be paying off. Hopefully we won't see another streak like that in a while.

About my clitty:

One of many mantras I repeat to myself, several times a day, is an affirmation: my clitty is forfeit. It is a reminder that I consciously chose to never use it again. This applies, primarily, to using it to penetrate others, but one day will apply to my own sexual gratification. I'm still working on cumming exclusively to men, as I discussed in a previous post, to further rewire my brain. As my confidence on this rewiring increases, my cummies will see a reduction in frequency. Ideally one day they just won't happen again, and my clitty finally be truly forfeit -I'll just keep it around for show.

Of course, if I learn how to have anal cummies, then I'll be free to have those, but regular clitty-driven cummies will be a relic of a bygone era, and good riddance.

What about my identity:

I've been changing my twitter name and bio A LOT. Not that any of you at home are keeping score (if you are, let me buy you an xbox or a tomagotchi or something) but it's important to me, so I'm writing about it.

First, I think I finally settled on a name - Charlie Dernwood - but who knows how I'll feel about that last name in a month or two. I do know I want it to start with D, so my initials will read CD.

Second, I do think I'll be keeping 'he/him' as my pronouns, because I want to double down on my 'gay shit'. Sexually speaking, identifying as a gay boy feels more authentic. Somehow, it makes it feel okay to like having a penis, to make it a part of my identity, even if it's locked away. It makes it feel okay to want to dress as a pretty girl some days, while wanting to wear nothing but a jockstrap on others. Will any of this translate to my non-sex-related day-to-day life? Probably not, but who knows.** I will concede that I've grown a bit tired of my non-sex-related day-to-day 'vanilla' online presence and I keep toying with the idea of ditching it in favor of a fun, sfw day-to-day vanilla 'Femboi Charlie' presence. Maybe one day.

Back to the bio - one term I'm not 100% sure I want to keep on my twitter bio, however, is 'faggot'. Like, yes, I identify as such, I like being called a faggot by my friends, it feels right. Still, it's a complicated term, and carries with it a lot of history, and while some negative terms have been reclaimed, not everybody agrees with them. For example, some folks still aren't happy with 'queer' as a term, and it makes sense based on their personal experiences. So 'fag' will remain on/off until I experience it in a real-life situation (e.g.: having a man call me a faggot while I enjoy having his cock inside me).

No content in AGES:

Well, this one's complicated. On one hand, I'm nowhere near close to my weight target. In fact, I don't believe I've even made a significant dent. Therefore, no content will be made anytime soon.

On the other hand, my living situation has changed long-term. Normally, I live alone, so having all this space to myself gave me plenty of freedom to, well, create content. Recently I've started sharing my space with an undisclosed party who is unaware of my 'gay shit' ™ and I therefore can no longer hang around in a state of undress, or wearing some of my 'gay shit' ™ clothing. This is a positive arrangement, and one which I do not begrudge at all, but it is still not super ideal. It will likely last through most of this year, if not a little beyond it. So, even if I hit my target physique, don't expect a wealth of quality content to follow immediately.

This also puts a damper in my plans to be a 'total slut' ™ this year, but covid is still a thing and probably will be for a while, so whatevs, stay tuned I suppose.

That's it for now!

I mean it. Sure, there's a lot more I want to share, but this is what's worth sharing right now (and what I've been able to articulate thus far). I mean, there's only so many ways to write "god, I really need a man to fuck me" and "god, I love being a faggot" which is about 90% of what goes around in my brain, and y'all don't really want to read that, do you?

That's what I thought.

I *do* look forward to changing things up a bit one day, and writing something along the lines of "I have a Daddy now, and, god, is he BIG!" But we're a ways away from that.

Anyways, thanks for reading all of this! You're my real mvp <3

 

* One caveat: I do enjoy pics / captions / videos that contain women as long as they're focused on men / cock. For example: FPOV videos. If I want to enjoy watching a cock get sucked as if it were I who was sucking it, I don't really have a choice than to watch do so from a girl's perspective.

** I have made a tracker that follows my super-fluid identity and sexual appetites -and moods- here. Note: Agender means that I don't lean particularly to any identity, I sort of just, exist beyond it all.