One Year Without Orgasm
with my penis, that is.
By the time I publish this, it will have been 365 days (365 days!!!) since I last came with my penis.* And the part that gets me is that it's been so long since it happened that I don't remember it at all! Like, not even a little bit - if you ask me, I reckon it was probably some random masturbation session: I felt horny, I watched some porn, I came. (Not quite Caesar, but close.)
It's also not something I planned for, or worked up to, it sort of just happened. I think I decided I wanted to see how long I could go without cumming, and the longer I went on the thought intensified: what if I never cum with my penis ever again? So it became an unofficial goal at some point, but the thing is that eventually, I sort of forgot about the goal, and not-cumming became my new normal. So I went from being a boy that cummed every day to a boy that doesn't, practically overnight. And I thought I would miss cumming, but I don't. Sure, sometimes I think "man, it would be nice to cum", and when I do the occasional edge I think it would be nice to "let go" and cum, but holding back just feels normal - the idea of actually cumming has become very strange and unnatural to me.
I reckon it's just something that was borne out of my submissiveness. It surely helped that Locktober was right around the corner, and NOvember followed. And while I haven't spent all of this time locked (I wouldn't lock semi-permanently until December - only a few months until that anniversary, now!), my penis has nonetheless remained practically just decorative (though does it really count as decorative if it's spent most of that time caged?).
I think one of the strangest things about this anniversary
is that it doesn't really feel special, just, natural - it's just... another day.
You'd think it's something I'd notice, in the back of my mind, never quite leaving, you know? Especially since I used to masturbate a lot (and edge a TON). But nope! The only reason it's been on my mind at all these last few weeks, is that I looked at my tracker (shameless TrackHub plug!) to see how long I've been caged and saw that my longest denial was looking mighty close to a full year! (note to self: I should add a "days since last orgasm" square)
Now, this screenshot is from the time I started drafting this post, but when I saw it about a month ago it was still impressive (so please pretend the number is like 30 or so days smaller), and I knew I had to write something about this to celebrate the occasion.
So, yeah, what's been on my mind is this post, and what I'd want to share about this experience, rather than my cum-free-ness.
But wait, there's more!
It's not just my orgasm-free nature I've been thinking about, but also how I've grown in other ways. A year ago, for example, I was still learning to embrace being a faggot. I think around that time was when I felt myself truly committed to detransition as the right path for me; like this was when being being read as female in male contexts really started bugging me (and when being treated as a woman in passing/cross-dressed contexts became something I couldn't ignore either).
Along these lines, last year was when I started looking into recovering my flat chest, and now I have a proper plan (which isn't going super well, because weight loss is the first step, and it's been slower than anticipated).
But what's interesting is that I've gotten more sexual than I was a year ago (and that's saying something). And it's strange because I don't know that I'm necessarily more horny, and I certainly don't have a higher drive to orgasm (in fact, my edging sessions have decreased in frequency dramatically, from basically every day or so, to now maybe a couple edges a month - I haven't had a proper gooning edge session in ages!), but I still feel more sexual, more gay. I've actually spent more (sadly, fruitless) time on Grindr, and my porn addiction is a little stronger than it was a year ago.
Yet somewhere along the way, the goal of not cumming became like a vow, an extension of "never putting my penis inside anyone ever again". What started as "I wonder how long I can go" turned into "I'm not doing this ever again."
Future abstinence
As I begin to contemplate taking my content creation more seriously, however, I wonder if this is a vow I should keep as-is, or if I should modify it. Because most of my content has been stuff I've done for myself, for fun, but I'm feeling a bit more ambitious and I want to take it further, with more and higher quality material. So I feel that always being in chastity is somewhat limiting the kind of content I can make solo: I can't show my soft penis, or erections, or even edging if I'm caged. This is fine if I'm only making content sporadically, but if I want to get more serious about it (and I do), does it then become a limiting factor? I know lots of people would like to see more. From there it follows: at what point does my inability to ejaculate also become a liability? So I think that now, as my one-year mark approaches, is a good time to revisit this "vow", and figure out what exceptions, if any, should be allowed:
- Are ruined orgasms allowed? I think probably, but unless I learn to fake pleasure real good, then the content will still be limited - and that would require practice.
- Are practice ruined orgasms allowed? Gosh, probably? I'd need to test this to know if it's feasible, but then I still have to decide if the test run is a valid exception.
- Would it be better if full orgasms are allowed? Again, probably.
All of these, naturally, come with the caveat that they're purely for making content. Though considering how I don't want to orgasm, this caveat would be really just a formality.
What about anal orgasms?
There is one ideal solution to this: anal orgasms. Sadly, as badly as I want these, they still elude me. Full-body orgasmic experiences I can achieve with my fucking machine, but they're not really the same thing, since they don't feel finite and especially because I've never had one where cum came out of my penis. One man did get super close to fucking the cum out of me, but that was a legendary fuck, not easy to replicate.
I think my problem might be that my penis truly is just decorative - like beyond marking me as a boy and occasionally signaling my arousal, it doesn't serve any purpose during sex: it just flops there looking cute, usually in its cage. Even uncaged all it does is bounce about, like a tiny witness to my faggotry; so if it won't even get hard, why would I expect it to do anything other than dribble?
But even if it never cums again - even from anal - I still like having it. Even if it just flops and bounces, small and limp, as a real man fucks me, I still love my penis and my little balls, because of what they mean: that I'm still male, still a boy, after a year of not using them, after many years of estrogen, and even if I never use them again!
Especially if I never use them again...
A whole year
But back to the now... I still can't believe it's been a whole year already! I'm honestly rather proud of this. Not just that I made it this far, but that it wasn't hard (heh) at all! Because it means that if I wanted to keep this vow, as-is, and make it permanent, I very well could - whether I'm caged or not. Because there's a little more than 100 days between my cum-free and chastity anniversaries, and the first part of being orgasm-free tends to be hardest, I think.
Because the one thing I know now, that I suspected but didn't know then, is that I don't need to cum. My need to be caged and have something up my hole, and my desire to sleep with men, are all, individually, stronger than my desire to cum. And I feel very proud about this, even though it still feels strange to type.
And I think that this pride, and this abstinence, go hand-in-hand with being proud of being a faggot - I'm pretty sure I couldn't do this if I were a "real man", you know? If I were, then I'd be wanting to use my cock all the time. But recognizing and accepting where my pleasure comes from, and everything it means, has allowed me to accept that this is not just ok, but good, actually.
In the end, I'm very happy for this cum-free year, because I've come out of it knowing better what I am: a pair of warm holes for men, getting all my pleasure from what they do to me, without need for my own penis to cum - or even get hard.
Not gonna lie, this feels good.
It's a good way to be.
Well, that was a lot!
A lot to read, a lot to write (and proofread and edit!), a lot to lay bare about where/who I am and my sexuality. And I want to thank you for reading it and sharing this journey with me. I've come a long way since this blog started many years ago, and I'm excited to see all the places this little adventure will continue to take me.
It's also, funnily enough, my birthday month! The blog got a cute little facelift, with a wishlist link and a little countdown - and I started testing old-school gifs in there. I think it's super chic. If you're feeling generous and would like to give back to a little fag that takes pix and writes about his bizarre sexuality, this would be a great occasion! (And I would be forever grateful! And there would be pix!)
On a final note, I want to thank you again for reading all of this, it means a lot to me.
Lots of love,
-Charlie
* To be fair, I haven't had orgasms of any other kind, either, but that's mostly a logistical/living-situation/work-stress problem - if it were up to me I would've had tons of anal orgasms. (Indeed, as I type this, I have a nice thick plug stretching me inside...) But I have had a couple of wet dreams, which I don't really count because that was my body being weird, and honestly they kinda suck, like they're super annoying. (I haven't tracked them because they happened before I built the tracker and I couldn't remember when they happened. If any happen in the future I'll be keeping track of them.)
Posted earlier at my own, personal, little gay site: femboicharlie.com/posts/one-year-without-orgasm/
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