Pride and Faggotry

 

Happy Pride Boys & Gurls!

It's another year, another Pride, another opportunity for growth and gayness! And a wonderful opportunity for me to get off my butt and type out a post!

In classic me style, I have a ton of drafts, a ton of ideas, but not enough time to sit down and write them. It also doesn't help that it really never seems like the right time - even though some feel ironically time-sensitive. It's kind of like my sex life: big talk and no walk.

It's not really my fault, leastways not entirely. I've been genuinely mega-slammed at work for the past few months, and my hole has required a big reworking of my diet to become cooperative with cleaning. Also, it has to be said, the scene here in my new city is dire; and having family still living with me does not help.

But it's not all bad. On Bsky I've found a community of fellow swimsuit-lovers, which (sounds dorky as heck, but) is really nice. And the unintended side-effect of being constantly drained is that I don't realize that my penis has been caged for 5 months!!!!! Like...what??? How did that happen? And coupled with that, I'm about 3 months away from one full year without cumming! So that's nice. I just have to find the time and energy to play with my hole regularly, and then to hook up.

There has been one big, huge, unforgivable step back: I've been off PrEP for months - being super busy means I haven't found time to go to a new, local, prescriber. So I should probably fit that in between regular hole play and hook-ups, cus my god I'm so cum-starved.

Still, there are a couple of things I'm genuinely happy and proud about!

Being a faggot

I friggin' love it.

I love being a boy. I love being into men.

I love that my instinct is to drop to my knees when I see a nice, big cock; that my mouth waters at the sight of one; that I want to know what it tastes like, feels like stretching my hole.

More than that, I love that I love this. It's like a self-reinforcing fagloop. And I love how well "faggot" fits me - how it means so much more than just being gay. I've written about this before, and I keep wanting to write about it, and I bet I'll continue to write about it, because it's just such a perfect fit. Whether I'm watching some porn, daydreaming about cock, playing with my hole, putting on some lingerie (or swimsuits, or fully cross-dressing with forms and a wig and all!), or looking at my chastity app to see how long my penis has been caged and without use - all of it fits neatly, unmistakably. All into that one word.

And, like, going back to that feeling cum-starved note from earlier, I love that I am more interested in swallowing another man's cum than I am in cumming myself. I love having my penis, and I love that it's decorative, useless. How it twitches, striving to get hard, when I watch porn. That it's there just to dangle about as real men use my holes. This is what being a faggot means to me.

I love it so much that I don't want to go back to being anything else - not a "lesbian", not a "woman", not even a "man" (see: real man). Which is remarkable because I tend to get very attached to things, very emotional and afraid to let go; also very cautious. I tend to worry about "what if?" "What if this doesn't work out? What if I want to go back?" I always leave myself a door open - but not about this. I want more of this, to dive face-first into it - this is me, this is forever.

I'm so glad that I decided to stop hormones and start detransition. I've come out to a few more people since I last posted about this, and it's been nice how understanding most people have been. One thing I especially like about my androgynous presentation is how much control I have over how people perceive me and -this is the big thing- no longer worrying about being misgendered. As I wrote in an earlier post about salespeople not knowing whether to use 'he' or 'she', if I feel like it I can put effort in either direction. Indeed I did so recently when I went to get my ID, wearing some natural makeup, and the employees kept 'she/her'-ing me. And it was nice.

Which leads me to my next point...

Actually, autogynephilia rules!

Hear me out.

Because this feels a little like a walk-back from an earlier post, in which I touched on autogynephilia (AGP) as part of an online argument with a member on the CD site. My point then, which remains unchanged, is that AGP as it is used by the 'phobes has been debunked: it doesn't say what they think it says.

What's been debunked?

Two things: the idea that men get a unique, perverse, sense of erotic excitement from transvestism, and that this (perverted excitement) is why men seek to transition. Both claims are instrumental to the 'phobic version of AGP because they cast transvestites (in the classical sense, including drag, CDs, TG/TS, etc) as aberrant sexual perverts who wish to extend their fetishes into a wide social outlet, thus serving as justification for eliminating/preventing trans rights (which I think is silly because even if this were true, it's harmless, but I digress).

Both claims are debunked: AGP is not unique to AMABs because it's a common occurrence among cis women; and AGP is not a condition for transition - as people transition without AGP, and people who experience AGP don't always seek transition (and some of us de-transition).

BUT! AGP is still a real phenomenon.

The findings are there, they describe a real thing that happens among people of both sexes (and I assume intersex people also experience this). Because all AGP asks is this: do you enjoy, find some arousal, in idealizing/imagining yourself as a sexy woman?

And you can see right there how, yes, of course it's a real, normal thing - which prooooooobably explains why 'phobes (particularly terfs) are such miserable people.

And it rocks.

It really does. As does its inverse: autoandrophilia (which you've probably never heard before). Trust me, if you enjoy my blog and my content, you enjoy these things. For example, every time I go on for ages about loving being male/gay/a fag, that's pure autoandrophilia - idealizing myself as a sexy male. Every time I post a sexy pic, whether in boy mode or girl mode, that's one of the autophilias.

And I think we should appropriate and embrace these terms. Not as a condemnation or criticism, not as a way to explain away our deviances or pathologize ourselves (and others); but as natural, vital even, parts of the human experience.

It rules to enjoy AGP/AAP and it rules to have words for it

And it especially rules to debunk, clean/de-stigmatize, and claim these words for ourselves (and any cis allies who experience joy at feeling sexy), because it explains a joy we feel about our bodies. One that we're told to be ashamed about, yet by owning it we can turn it into something to be proud about - something beautiful, special, joyous.

One thing that worries me...

...is the increasing willingness to return to transmedicalism.

I won't get into the weeds of this here, because it's a complicated subject and I can go off about it for days (indeed I've re-written and re-trimmed this section a gajillion times), but I've noticed a few medium-profile transwomen online speaking on a trajectory that indicates a willingness to fall back to transmedicalism as an answer to rising transphobia and erosion of LGBT+ rights and acceptance.

And before you ask: yes, they're post-op. Naturally.

Look, I get it: it's a scary moment. We've made so much progress, that took so much effort to build, and wealthy interests have been successful at stoking fear and hate, allowing them to erase many of our gains. But building a case that transpeople who get all the hormones and surgeries are the ones that should be protected is how we become divided, and how we break.

Because the writing is on the wall: "LGB without the T" is a real-life group, and challenges to gay marriage are being prepared (and, worryingly, HIV/AIDS research is also under attack). They will not stop until they make all of us illegal (or worse), and taking us down, one by one, with our in-groups and allies in retreat, is how they get there.

But there's hope.

Everything conservatives have done to erode our rights and protections is both unpopular in general, and problematic for the 'phobes. It is backfiring. More importantly, they haven't done anything that is impossible to reverse, and there is political will to do so.

And we still have allies willing to stand up and fight for us -all of us-; including allies willing to turn their states and cities into safe havens for us.

So we gotta hold on tight

And we gotta look out for each other, and celebrate ourselves and our spaces. Our lives, our joys, the things that make us who we are, and our communities. The things we love, that make us special.

Which is what Pride is all about.

This is why I'm going to celebrate being male, being gay; being a detransitioner, too. Because I think all of these things are beautiful and worth celebrating - even detransition. Because, as unfortunate as it is, it's another step in accepting and loving myself, of fighting for who I am, and probably my bravest moment so far.

 Which is kind of ironic: when I transitioned to living as a woman people wouldn't stop telling me how brave I was, except it never felt that way. To me, it felt cowardly, as I couldn't bear living as a normal man, and living as a woman was close enough.

Because I wasn't brave enough to live as a cross-dressing faggot; but now I am.

And I'm hella proud

Which is why every day, little by little, I continue welcoming my true self into my life. Even though there's still things holding me back, I see who I really am: I see him. The effeminate gay man, the faggot, the femboy, the transvestite. I see who he is, what he's like, what he likes, what makes him happy. And I embrace him without reservations. 

Because the boy I am is beautiful, he's special, he's joyous, and he deserves love and happiness. Just as he's sexy, and slutty, and cum-hungry, and all sorts of fun things too.

And he loves it.