And Believe Me, I Am Still Alive

Hello boys and bois, it's been A WHILE.

This year has been pretty rough, but I'm still alive and kicking, and I'm still learning, exploring, and discovering more things about myself. Now, I'm not going to bore you with a bunch of downers, but I do want to get off my chest one important struggle item:

It's transphobes.

Transphobes (and general 'phobes) have really been out in force this year, with book bans and bathroom bills, and increasingly toxic and violent rhetoric, and it's been really getting to me. It gets to me because I'm happily detransitioning, by choice, on my own terms, and this all but makes me their poster child. They like to point at people like me when they argue that transition not only doesn't help, but is also actively harmful.

They use people like me to hurt and remove rights and protections from others.

And this sucks, because it makes it really hard to feel comfortable sharing my experience through detransition. Even though it's been an overwhelmingly positive experience, one that fills me with joy and an unexpected sense of peace, and an experience I want to share with everybody.

But it's not just that, I also want to share my experience because transition wasn't harmful in my case. In fact, being able to pursue any form of social transition has, in all likelihood, saved my life. Detransition or no, I pursued transition because I'm not a masc man and I could not bear living like that. And as time goes by, perceptions and attitudes change, and now that things have improved for non-binary identities, I'm "detransitioning" into a more comfortable identity. In reality it's more accurate to think of it as a second transition, or a re-transition, into a better state.

But I hate feeling that I might be another talking point for such a vile, and harmful movement. In fact, I've written up so many posts on here, that now lie buried within my cemetery of Drafts, because I'm afraid. I'm afraid it might be found by some terfy POS. Or that one of you, wonderful folks who read my stuff, might mistake my words and intentions for theirs.

I've talked several times about jumping from one closet to another, but transphobes have managed to put me in an entirely new one.

And I hate it, because this journey has been so beneficial that I want to write about it, I want to scream about it, because if there's a chance my experience might help someone understand themselves better, then it's worth it. Heck, it's even worth it just as an exercise in vanity. In truth there really ought to be no reason not to put any of this out there.

So now I'm going to do what I haven't been able to do all year: I'm going to proudly talk about how things are going, and how happy I am about it all. (Admittedly, I will be holding some things back, for sharing in a future post.)

Ok, so, how are things going..?

Unexpectedly! But in a good way.

In an excellent way.

For starters, I continue to become more comfortable, and happier, identifying as a feminine boy. I figured this would've reached a plateau by now, but that's not yet happened. I think this is likely because femboys continue to become more and more mainstream - every day there's more of us, and support for us grows, so it feels more normal. Thus I find myself kinda hoping people can tell I'm a guy, but in a cute boy way, not a manly man way, you know?

Now, that's not entirely unexpected, but it does lead to something that is: I think I've lost most, if not all, association with female pronouns. Granted, I don't go out much, but I've found that when I do step out of my bubble -whether in-person outdoors, or on a call- I not only find more comfort with male pronouns, but female ones have started feeling a bit icky. In fact, I've started using male and gender-neutral pronouns when I speak about myself online. I couch this in jokes and silliness, but really it's one of those "haha, but really tho." As a bonus, I've even stopped masking my voice under several casual circumstances. It's been nice.

Another, even more unexpected thing, is an increasing dissatisfaction with my chosen name. When I transitioned, I chose an unambiguously female name that I feel is both fun and serious, and also contemporary (perhaps timeless). And even though it's not a super femme name, it doesn't feel like me at all. In truth, it never really did, but at least it was serviceable. It was a good enough name, and a name that I really like in general -as name in itself, and on other people.

It's a good name, and I've made it work for years, but now it feels like it belongs to another person. A person that I no longer am. A ghost.

All of this has been simmering up this year, and a few months ago it reached a point where I can't exactly keep ignoring it - at least not with ease.

I don't know if Charlie is the name that will finally stick (maybe I'll end up switching to Chris -I've always liked Christina, and I used that briefly in my early baby trans days), but I know that neither my current name or my birth name are it.

One last thing that I was really not expecting at all is -and this one makes me a little bit sad- that I've been looking into breast reduction. I never thought this moment would arrive, but here we are: I don't want these small boobies anymore. I want to have a flat chest. Now, I do have another 10kg or so to lose, so I'm hoping I'll loose enough size on my chest to where I can live with it, but only time will tell. If I don't flatten enough, then I'm going to have some tough decisions to make.

At any rate, what's important here is that I want my body to not be female-coded anymore. I want it to be androgynous, or perhaps even a little bit masc. For example, I want to be able to go to a pool, or a beach, and have options. I could go as a cute flat-chested girl (which, let's face it, these lumps aren't exactly boob material), or I could go as a cute twink. And if I can be even a bit more honest, I think I'm okay with not being 100% unclockable as a girl anymore, because I want to stop tucking my penis anyways. And I don't mean I want to go around "packing," but I do want to be okay with a small bulge.

I think I'm just at a point where I want my maleness acknowledged.

Does that make sense? I feel like right now there's a few pieces of my identity that have an outsized importance to me: that I'm a boy, that I'm gay, that I'm a bottom, that I like to crossdress. And because they are so important to me, in this moment, I want to be very loud and very visible about all of these things. I want to wear them on my sleeve. I want the world to know.

Thus I find myself practically dying to tell everyone -anyone- about all of this. I want to step out of my little cocoon of safety that was my female identity, and finally be authentic. In fact, I've been dropping hints to a friend, and so flippin' close to calling another to just info-dump all of this.

But this is one of those things where there's no going back, and I don't feel like I'm quite ready yet, and I feel I have too much to lose.

I think one thing that could help me feel ready is to basically switch over my online presence to my "new" identity. Not at all dissimilar to how I handled my first transition. Back then I made a parallel Facebook and started using that one instead. But there are a couple of things holding me back. First, I have built up so much on my current identity, and I'm afraid of losing a lot of it by switching. Secondly, this blog is all I have as Charlie that isn't 100% tied up to NSFW content. Like, I don't want to bring my friends over and suddenly there's all of this porn in their feeds, you know? 

So there's two things I need to do: first create SFW Charlie and separate him^*1 from NSFW Charlie. This one I feel is really tricky. At least for my online presence, because Sissy/Femboi communities are built almost exclusively around NSFW content, so I'm not sure what to do with it, or what form it should take. I guess, really, I should be doing what I normally do with my non-Charlie accounts, but I fear it might be lonely for a while. I mean, you don't hang around me because you want to look at my Starfield screenshots, or read my rants about how Starfield is the best game EVER, or how Sarah is the only good romance option in Starfield.

Second thing is mustering enough courage to come out. Now, I reckon that people worth keeping around will be cool with it, and those who aren't cool with it are not worth keeping around, so I'm generally cool on that front. But I'm not keen on asking people to change how they address me and think of me, because I don't want to impose on anyone, especially if this all turns out to be a failed experiment. For this reason I'm probably not going to come out to folks I've already come out to (old friends and family). At least not until I've successfully lived as a femboy for some time. Also definitely not telling my current job; my next one, sure.

But I feel I'm getting a bit ahead of myself. First I really need to focus on figuring out my SFW stuff. If any of you, lovely readers, have any ideas or tips, or know any communities, this boi would love to hear about them!

Now, let's talk about chastity...

I've spent most of this year without caging. One reason why I stopped caging was because my penis was having a hard time staying healthy while caged. This is because I've been off HRT for years now, so my penis is not as small as it used to be, sadly.^*2 So I'm going to have to adapt, but good news is I've picked up some larger tubes for my JosieLynn rings, which have been very helpful.

Another (vastly more important) reason is that I'm in love with my penis. I really love this thing. It's so much fun to play with. Not because it feels good, but because playing with it is fun. Because it's a penis.

I know it sounds dumb, but remember that I've wasted so much time trying to be a woman. For a long time, this penis had been a nuisance to me, something to keep constantly tucked until I could -eventually- have it removed. After that, I got into chastity, and my penis became something that should be kept under lock and key. So even though I came to terms with being a boy, and I accepted my penis, I still didn't really get to enjoy it. Now, this year I decided to change that: I decided it was time get better acquainted with my body, and to appreciate it more. As a result, my penis has become something I can't live without!

Where before it was a means to an end, now it's... so much more. And try as I might, I can't explain why. It's just... euphoria. All I can describe are these powerful feelings I get from it. For example, when I prepare to fire up some porn^*3, my penis will begin to stir in anticipation before I've even picked something to watch. And this gives me a huge rush. Because it's not about porn, it's not about masturbation, it's about this sense of affirmation that my penis gives me. It's this physical confirmation that men are what I like, guys are what I'm into.^*4 

It's just such a joy to recognize how easily and effortlessly my penis reacts when dealing with gay things. And not only that, but also how strongly it reacts, how much more sensitive it gets.

I honestly don't know how to put into words how powerful it feels to finally give in. To listen to my body, and hear everything it's been trying to tell me. To rid myself of shame and completely accept these truths I wanted to keep buried. Because my penis is not only irrefutable proof of my maleness, but also of my homosexuality.

And my favorite part of it all, is that my penis is a bottom, too! Sounds weird, but it responds strongest to tops. Like, we can both admire another man's butt, we can appreciate a cute bottom, but they don't really get us going. Show me a sexy, hung top, however, and you'll find us both drooling.

AND to top this all off, my refractory period is minimal. I mean, killing off my horny levels for a couple of hours is great for saving money (e.g.: from impulse-purchases), but I never find myself with regrets, or feeling bad. And, I'm not kidding, I'm usually horny again in less than an hour. Seriously!

You might be wondering if this means that I'll be giving up chastity. I can happily say that I won't. This locktober has been fulfilling because I finally have something to give up. Keeping my penis caged actually means something now, because we finally have a healthy relationship. That said, I will most certainly not be pursuing long-term chastity like I used to. There are a lot of gay things I want to do with my penis, and I hope that as I do more and more of them, chastity will become more bittersweet and more powerful. And who knows, maybe when I have the most to lose by locking up, I'll finally be ready to give it all up...

 

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

 

1. AAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Just used a male pronoun for myself right there and it FELT SO GOOD!!! 

~ ~ ~

2. I've actually been trying to see if there are any surgical procedures that can be done to shrink my penis. It's a bit below average, but it's still to big. I want it small, like real small. I want it to be so small that it literally cannot penetrate even a sleeve, but still long enough that it retains an identifiable silhouette. Alas, these surgeries are extremely rare, and costly, thus usually reserved for extreme cases. I'll look again in 5 years.

~ ~ ~

3. Don't remember if I explicitly stated this before, but whenever I talk about sex and porn, I will be defaulting to gay sex and gay porn. Whenever I talk about straight/trans/etc I'll specify accordingly.

~ ~ ~

4. Something important to remember about me, is that all of my relationships have been with women, and I've always been a top. Now, there is a lot to unpack here, and this will go into its own post eventually, but to make a long story short: I never enjoyed it. Sex, as an act one performs, was not enjoyable for me.

I always thought that this was normal, that masculine pleasure was dull and boring, so I convinced myself to find pleasure exclusively in providing pleasure to my partners. Thus I went through life having dissatisfying sex, believing it was worth it because my partners enjoyed it.

No wonder, really, that in one relationship I had to ask for a break from sex, and that in all others my sex drive would vanish after a month or two. But these are stories for another time, and all I really wanted to say is that my penis always needed some extra prodding in order to get things going. It's a night and day difference between then and now.