The Top Problem

 And I mean "Top" as in the position

I've been on a wicked gayphoria roll lately -going as far as wanting to scream "I'm gay" to anyone who would listen. In fact, I recently stumbled upon a friend of mine, in an online space, with whom I haven't spoken in ages, and I wanted to tell them, with desperation, so many things; I wanted to tell them I'm gay now, that I'm getting on PrEP, that I'm love with cock, and am looking to have lots and lots of gay sex. Unfortunately we were on a public forum thus I kept all this to myself, which wasn't easy because I was BURSTING.

More than anything, I wanted to tell them how happy and proud I felt.

But what's this got to do with "top" problems? Good question! I'm a remarkably skeptical person, at least when it comes to matters of keen interest to me, and as such I'm frequently filled with questions and suspicions. In this case, my brain had doubts about this gayphoria, thinking it could be too good to be true, and thus begged me to dig deeper into my psyche to make sure it was earnest. Because I cannot erase or ignore my past. It all happened. I had feelings for girls, I had relationships and sex with girls, and I know that in a more rigid world I would surely be able to survive pretending to be a straight guy -just like I'd done until I hitched a ride on the MtF train in my twenties.

None of this is new, I'm aware I've taken you down this path at least a couple of times. But here's a story I haven't shared yet, because it's a situation I haven't been able to reconcile until now. A few days ago, I had an epiphany. I can't recall how it happened. In all likelihood I was scrolling my porn feed and a pic of a guy with a magnificent butt must've caught my eye. This has happened before, and would set off a chain of thoughts not unlike falling dominoes: "I'm not a top, I don't want to bend him over, I want him to bend me over, so why am I attracted to his butt? Well, I guess a lot of women like guy butts, too, and they're certainly not all about to bend him over, either. I guess a butt's a butt, and it suggests sexual desirability in general." And that's when it hit me: the reason I never thought of myself as gay, even though gay porn was the only category that never failed to get me off, was because I was coming to it with the assumption that I'd be a top.

You see the problem? I'm not a top. I've never been one. I don't want to top. And I especially don't want to top men. The idea of topping a man is not just incompatible to my sexuality, it's unequivocally off-puting. But with the way I was raised, I never considered that I could -as a man- be anything other than a top. The thought of being a male bottom just never crossed my mind.

So, the story, then. Throughout my teens I'd go to online chatrooms to test the boundaries of gender and sexuality. I'd sometimes pretend I was a girl, other times I'd pretend I was a passable CD. I wanted to try on different hats in order to figure out which one fit best, and come up with a plan for when I was ready to live on my own. A few times, however, I presented as male. On one such occasion I ended up chatting with this guy. He was chill, laid back, and not much older than me. We decided to meet up and see how it went.

It didn't end well.

The meeting went fine, mind you, it was what followed that did not. It also wasn't a disaster, it just didn't go anywhere, but it could've done so in a friendlier manner. Problem was that when we met, I got massive bottom vibes from him, like I was supposed to be "the man" in this relationship, and that's just not something I could do. It honestly spooked me a bit, especially because I couldn't explain why I was put off. And because I couldn't explain this, I couldn't communicate it to him. And because I couldn't communicate this to him, he thought I was being homophobic. This led to a lot of drama and I decided to just drop the whole thing.

Haven't tried dating a guy since.

Never in my wildest dreams, however, could I have imagined that a decade and a half later I'd not only be debilitatingly gay (I will randomly stop whatever I'm doing to daydream about sucking cock, it's a problem), but also finally understand why that attempt failed. If only I'd had the introspection to understand my feelings, and the vocabulary to communicate them.......... it would still have played out the same way, because at the end of the day I was committed to surviving that macho hellhole as a straight guy, with a girlfriend, until I'd moved far, far away.

However, if I'd met with a different man, one that had been a smooth, charismatic, confident top, with enough empathy and knowledge to guide me, then things may have transpired differently.

But that's not what happened, and we cannot change the past (yet), so I'll have to settle with bringing closure to this chapter in my life (which is no small thing); and find joy in assuaging my suspicions: this gayphoria is authentic, and I have cause to bask and find pride in it.

Accessory Penis

Here's a fun, and recent, pair of anecdotes. It all started with the Grand Gay Revelation of 2022, which eliminated any question about me being a bottom. Since then, and because I have my eye on this dude on Grindr with a ridiculous BBC (like, seriously, that thing looks massive), I've been putting in extra work on making sure that my bussy is ready for anything. A big part of this is what are effectively workouts with larger-than-average dildos; and what's really neat about this is that since I now know for a fact that the pleasure I get from this isn't placebo, I can free myself from doubt and give myself license to enjoy every bit of it without reservation.

Now, my penis comes into this because most of the time I do these workouts in the shower, which is also the place where I unlock my cage for my daily hygiene routine. Now, I probably shouldn't have done this, it's probably bad of me, but I was curious about playing with my penis while bouncing on a dildo. And to my surprise, I have to admit it was not worth the hassle. With enough tugging it would start getting hard, but it didn't add anything to the experience -not even a little bit of pleasure. All my pleasure, and I'm not exaggerating or making this up, came from my bussy. So I stopped tugging on it and focused only on my penetration.

I am a boi of science, however, so after I was done working out my hole, I decided to give the ol' penis another go.

Nothing.

But I remain a boi of science, and I decided to try it again the next day. And the next. And I've come to the startling, and perhaps concerning, conclusion that my penis is numb when it comes to sexual stimulation. If I pinch it, it still hurts. If I squeeze it, I can feel it. If I jerk it, I can feel it being jerked -and it responds by getting hard. But it's an experience devoid of sexual pleasure -especially when compared to being penetrated, which is a veritable explosion of sexual pleasure.

Thus I find myself with a chicken-or-egg conundrum: has penile stimulation always been this terrible, which would explain why I never truly got satisfaction out of topping; or have my recent experiences reshaped the way I experience pleasure? Who knows? In the end, though, I'm happy with this situation because it makes chastity a lot easier, and it makes me focus on my bussy so much more. In fact, not a day has gone by this Locktober that I haven't masturbated (anally), and it's been incredible.

And that's not all!

I did find a way to get pleasure out of my penis, albeit indirectly. See, I've been working on imagining that I'm having sex while I do these workouts. Doing so helps make them more fun, and also helps with relaxing my body for penetration. So, during one of these jerking experiments, my brain conjured a scenario: I'm jerking in front of a daddy to prove to him that I'm a man (knowing full well he's going to laugh, tell me I'm a boi, and then show me what a real man is), and all of a sudden it felt good to play with my penis!

It was like magic. The second I'd stopped the scenario in my head, things went back to being dull. And if I conjured it back, so would the enjoyment! I must admit, it's crazy hot to think that I'm so debilitatingly gay that my own penis needs another man to feel good.

Things like these are why I feel pretty confident in calling myself a faggot.

Virginity 2.0!

Now that I'm getting on PrEP, I'll be able to receive semen inside me with confidence. And since this is something I've never done before, I'll finally get the opportunity to pop a cherry! How exciting!

I admit, though, I'm torn. Part of me wants it to be semi-special. Wants to make sure I pick the right man to breed me first. On the other hand, the shameless slut in me wants to give it to the first guy whose cock I take when I reach peak effectiveness - no matter who he is.

Both of these are incredibly hot ideas to me, but I think that the second option wouldn't be a thing if I didn't have the goal of becoming the town bicycle. Therefore, in the absence of the second option, there would only be the former, which would mean that's the option I should take. But then, the presence of the second option would suggest that the first isn't good enough for me, and thus I should pursue maximum sluttiness.

BUT if I'm to pursue maximum sluttiness, a third option comes to mind: join a horse market type event and pop my cherry there! In doing so my first load would be from a completely random man that I'd never met, would never meet, and would be mixed with the loads of several other men who I would also never even speak with!

Except those parties happen maybe once a month, in different places, and entry for bottoms is on a lottery basis, so it might be a very long time before I could participate in one.

At any rate, I haven't started PrEP yet, so there's plenty of time to pick an option, and also plenty of time to come up with new ones! I just hope that by the time I'm ready, I'm not crushed by decision paralysis!

Shameless plug

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