I'm PrEPped!!

 Who would've thought medication could be sexy?

I sure as heck didn't! But, man oh man, did everything about PrEP feel sexy! And a little bit nerve-racking. For some mysterious reason, I became very nervous roughly two hours before my appointment. "Am I really going through with this," I kept asking myself. For reassurance, I tried to keep in mind that getting on PrEP didn't mean I had to have sex if I didn't want to - it's a preventative measure, after all. But as soon as I arrived and signed in for my appointment, that fear had vanished, and in its place was a sense of exhilaration: I WAS going through with this!

Just like with my previous visit, wait time was virtually non-existent, within 5 or so minutes I was already with the doc -a different one from before, but still friendly and professional. She walked me through my test results, took my vitals, and ran me through a new questionnaire. Remember how I mentioned before that I wanted to change my orientation to homosexual? Didn't have to. This questionnaire point-blank asked if I would be having sex with men and/or women - this time there was no hesitation, I immediately answered men. This one also asked if I would be participating in anal and/or oral sex, and if I was looking to have a single partner (at a time) or multiple. Answers obviously were both and many. What I really liked about this, though, was that I wasn't ticking boxes on a computer (or paper form), we were doing this verbally: doc would ask me, I would answer, and she would tick the computer.

This might seem silly to a lot of people (especially those who are openly out), but this was the first time I discussed any of this stuff, in this much detail, with another person, in a real-life face-to-face setting. It was exciting, it was liberating, it was a total thrill! And it felt right. This time I didn't second guess myself, I didn't give any uncertain answers. ... Okay, not true, I did give an uncertain answer for my gender: not specified. Look, this gender business is still in flux; a year ago I was a woman, today I'm somewhere between bigender and femboi, so this question is, currently, beyond my ability to answer with any meaningful accuracy. So I told her I was trying to figure that out, which is true, but that my sex was definitely male.

Anyways, after all questions had been answered, and all tests completed, she sent off my prescription and sped me on my way. I was beyond thrilled. I couldn't wait to pick up my pills, nor start taking them. BUT as I was driving home, I got an automated call from my pharmacy telling me that I'd have to pay almost a thousand dollars out of pocket. Excitement turned into mad panic. I went right home and looked online for any Rx coupons that could help, and printed a couple. It would still be expensive, but not nearly as much. So, with coupons in hand, I headed out to pick them up. When I got there, I found relief: turns out that they just didn't have my insurance info on file, and once it was added my out-of-pocket cost became a big, round 0.

Sweet, sweet relief.

I'd be remiss, however, if I didn't mention that, as I was picking up my prescription, I was as conspicuous as I could be (without crossing into the realm of annoyance). I was proud to be there to pick up PrEP, and I wanted everyone to know. No particular reason for this, I just wanted to be out. I think there's this restless part of me that's tired of hiding, and is desperate for me to come out. Like, I think I've talked about this before, probably back on my Tumblr (RIP), but I never felt proud. I went to a Pride parade once, and I didn't feel at home there. I chalked it off as me being terminally introverted, but now things feel different. Now I do feel a sense of pride. Will it be enough for me to feel comfortable at a Pride parade in the future? Probably not - those things are hosted in the summer, and I'm a creature of the cold. But I might at least find a reason to celebrate, and only feel partially out of place instead.

At any rate, as I type this, I've already taken my first dose. Ah, how thrilling. It's incredible, to me, that such a small thing can hold so much promise. Tonight, I'm one step closer to sexual liberation. A week from tonight, protection will be optional. Something that used to be a massive concern, will cease to be a issue. I'll be able to welcome men inside me with nothing between us - his skin against mine. I'll discover what it feels like to be filled with cum, what it feels as some of it drips out and glides across my skin. I'll be able to have all the sex I want, any way I want it; I'll be free.

In one week.