Hey guys, I'm gay!
No, I'm serious! I'm like really, really gay! For real!
Like, officially!
"Guess who had a hot guy cum on their face tonight..!! [...] I wish I had more to show, but I kinda drank it all!!!"
And I loved it.
I loved it so much that I kept sucking his cock to draw out every last drop. Even though it tasted kind of awful because of the condom, I powered through it because the taste of his seed was worth it. Because I loved the texture of it in my mouth. It wasn't just the head I was sucking, either, I took it all the way, until my nose met his body and his tip the back of my throat.
And it was the best sex I've ever had.
It wasn't the best because every other time I've had sex was bad -I've had some pretty great encounters. It also wasn't the best because it was with a man -real talk: my worst experiences with sex were with men. It was the best for two reasons: first, he was REALLY good; second, because I'm becoming a lot more comfortable with myself and the things I want.
It was the best because it was exactly what I needed.
Listen: I had doubts.
Like I said, my worst experiences were with men. The first guy I was with was sort of a letdown. He was nice, but he wasn't doing it for me. I'm not sure if his dick was too small, or if he just didn't know how to use it properly, but it was honestly kinda boring. The other bad experience was with a guy whose dick was really big, which is awesome, but wasn't too interested in how well my body was handling it, which led to a lot of pain and very little pleasure.
So considering that all my better experiences were with women, I thought maybe the problem was that my gayness only went so far. I was afraid that maybe I didn't really like men as much as I thought. I was also frightened by the idea that maybe I just wasn't built to enjoy sex. If I'm being completely honest, in the darkest corner of my mind, I was starting to fear that maybe being a bottom wasn't really a good thing (for me, at least).
I was also afraid of other things, like maybe I wouldn't like kissing a man (I didn't kiss either man). That maybe feeling facial hair would be a turn-off. Or perhaps I was too used to being a top that being a bottom would just not be a good fit.
Never had I been so delighted to find out I was wrong.
The first thing he asked me to do was to straddle him. The moment I finished settling in on his lap, it all came naturally. My arms found their way to resting on his shoulders, his hands were exploring my body, and his tongue was getting acquainted with mine. I don't like repeating terms, but I'm going to be repeating abusing "natural" a lot, because instinctive and innate don't quite hit the mark. Because it just felt natural to be in this position, to kiss a man, to feel his facial hair against my skin. The facial hair I was so concerned about was, in actuality, completely welcome (admittedly, his was well-groomed and soft, I still have some unwarranted worry over pricklier hair). As he kissed my neck, I leaned my head towards his so I could feel it on my cheek.
Natural.
That's how it felt. It felt right. I was straddling a man, making out with him, and I was loving every second.
I was also afraid I wouldn't enjoy sucking cock.
I was wrong about this, too. After making out for a few minutes, he sat further back on the bed and took his boxers off, and I found myself face-to-face with this magnificent black cock. There was no hesitation, I crawled forward, leaned in and gave it a kiss square on its head. After telling him how amazing it looked, I went ahead and wrapped my lips around it. It was intoxicating. Real cocks have this way of being soft and squishy, even as they're rock hard, and testing that squishiness with my lips and tongue was incredible. And his precum! I loved running my tongue across the head because every time there was a fresh batch and it tasted so friggin good. For the first time ever I was both performing oral sex on someone while actually enjoying it for myself!
I wasn't just sucking it, either, I would run my lips and tongue across his length, too, leaving a small trail of kisses. And every time I made my way down to his balls, the scent somehow just turned me on more. I can't explain it. Maybe it's something like pheromones, but being lost in desire all my brain could figure was that this is what men smelled like and I wanted it something fierce.
However I do want to confess that, while I was enjoying playing with his dick, I was extremely nervous. See, I've had very little practice, so I was afraid I wasn't doing a good job. Maybe I was accidentally using teeth. Maybe I was spending too much time on the head, or the shaft. He never complained, but he was also very kind, so maybe he abstained to not make me feel bad.
In any case, after a few minutes of this, he decided it was time to use my bussy.
That's when I found my place.
Now, if you've been following me for a while, you might be a bit confused about this. Let me explain. Because life happens (and because all too often my hole just doesn't want to get completely clean - I'm upping my fiber intake, don't worry) I will sometimes go weeks (or even months) without playing with my bussy. So even though I always enjoy it, and I know my brain melts when I truly ride out my dildos, I'll still loose touch with that feeling and I'll start to think that maybe getting stuffed isn't all that great. It also doesn't help that toys are toys, so not only are they slightly awkward to use, at best, but you also miss out on the human touch.
Because, you see, after getting on all fours, I could hear, and feel this man getting ready to explore my bussy with his cock. I could feel his legs between mine, his hard cock against my body. I could turn my head and watch him eyeing me. I could feel his hands on me, grabbing me by my hips. I could guide his cock to the right spot and then feel him take over. I could feel him stretching me out; going in as far as he could.
And it felt natural.
Being on all fours, with a man inside of me felt perfect. It felt right. It felt like this was sex, what it was supposed to be, like everything I'd had before was some sort of imitation. Because it was incredibly pleasurable. This man, with his cock, was giving me some of the most intense sexual pleasure I'd ever experienced. And I think it's important to note that my penis was caged, and covered the entire time by my jockstrap. More important than that, however, is that I completely forgot it was there! Not once did I reach down for it. Not once did it strain against the cage or made any effort to get erect - it was completely out of the equation. I was getting all my pleasure from another man; a man who was getting all of his pleasure from me.
Let me just add a little bit of flavor to that last thought: we were both having sexual pleasure from this act, and there was no room for doubt. This is important because most (if not all) of the sex I'd had before was pretty one-sided. Sometimes my partners would say they enjoyed it, but they were likely saying it for my benefit; other times I knew they'd enjoyed it, but I hadn't (for example having sex with cisgirls a lot of the time felt more like fancy masturbation than sex); and the rest of the time it really felt less like we were getting pleasure from sex itself, but rather from the idea of it. This time there was absolutely no doubt: he was enjoying drilling my hole, and I loved giving it to him; that night my bussy truly was my main sexual organ.
I digress...
It wasn't long before he asked me to lay on my back, and to get close to the foot of the bed. I wasn't sure how close to it he wanted me, but it didn't matter because as soon as he was standing at the foot, he grabbed me by the legs and pulled me towards him. What a RUSH! Within seconds he was back inside me, with my legs over his shoulders, leaning in to kiss me.
Guys...
I had just gotten manhandled by a man. I had his cock inside me. I was deliriously kissing him.
And I loved every second of it - I couldn't get enough.
It felt like the most natural thing in the world - like this was my place.
This was further confirmed when, shortly after, he lifted me and, without pulling his cock out, dropped me farther back into the bed, and started hammering me from above. I'm not sure how he was doing it, but my legs were up in the air, he was thrusting down, and I was discovering new kinds of pleasure as he penetrated even deeper than before.
I'm fairly certain he managed to fuck some cum out of me, too!
After giving my bussy several minutes of non-stop pounding, during which my ability to form coherent thought had vanished, he told me he was about to cum. Innately, without a single brain cell firing yet without missing a beat, I asked him if he wanted to cum on my face. He promptly pulled out, ripped off the condom and got himself over me to ensure he didn't miss his mark.
Now, if there was any doubt left that I'm gay, let me tell you what happened next: I saw his amazing cock staring me in the face, about to shoot all over me, and my mouth just opened up wide, my head pushed closer, and before he was done cumming my lips were already wrapped greedily around his cock. And even though the leftover taste of condom was revolting, I didn't want to let it go. I wanted to squeeze every last drop of jizz into my mouth. I wanted to swallow it all. I even went as far as to get him inside my throat, with my nose firmly pressed against his body.
With one last "thank you" kiss to the tip, sex was over. This man had enjoyed my mouth and bussy to completion. I felt so proud and happy with myself. I also felt completely fulfilled. I didn't cum in the traditional sense, and my penis played no part, yet I was satisfied. His climax was my climax; he had finished and so had I.
The best part of all this is that I got to be myself.
Even though I was wearing makeup, and a sexy dress, I was under no pressure to act in any way that wasn't natural. He knew I was a femboi, he knew that he wasn't fucking a girl, and that's precisely why he wanted to fuck me. This meant that I could just be a boi who looks like a girl. It meant that we were two guys having sex, and I can't tell you how meaningful this was for me.
I think that, as a trans person, there's always this pressure to "pass." To be just the right amount of feminine. There's a bit of a performance act to appear as cis as possible that never truly goes away, even after years of success. This pressure then becomes a form of performance anxiety, and it's always nagging at the back of your head. This time there was no anxiety, no need to feel passable. My moans were my own; my voice unmodulated; my wearing a jockstrap under a dress went unquestioned, unchallenged.
I got to be a boi in a dress, fucked by a man, and every bit of it was as intended. For the first time in my life I allowed myself to be gay, to embrace maleness and to fully give in to another man. And it turned out to be the best sex I've had.
I couldn't stop thinking about how proud I was of myself.
Even as I steered my car onto the highway on my way home, I was ecstatic. I couldn't stop thinking about how great everything felt, and how naturally I fell into this role. Everything has changed now. I now know that not only can I have incredible sex with men, I know I have the potential to enjoy it more than any other kind of sex. Moreover, I no longer harbor any doubt that I'm a bottom, or that I'll struggle to keep my vow to never penetrate another person.
And I want to be clear: I'm not saying this man was a sex god. He certainly was pretty skilled, and knew how to handle me very well, but this isn't about how good he is at sex: it's about the way that good sex made me feel. Because even though I was satisfied by this encounter, I wanted more. I wanted to find other guys, I wanted to try other cocks, I wanted more of this. Not because I'd been left wanting, but because I hadn't. Because I'd discovered how good real pleasure feels, and I craved more. Because I wanted to make up for lost time. Because I wanted to feel prouder and prouder of myself. Finally recognizing and acting on my homosexuality had this intoxicating effect and I craved more.
Because most of all, I had been afraid that I wasn't gay.
I was terrified of the idea that my journey into homosexuality had been a farce. That every word I've typed on this blog, and every post I'd put so much effort into, were a mirage, a fantasy that I was desperate to believe. I was afraid I'd get there and discover that all my talk about liking men would ring hollow.
But it turns out that I'm an absolute faggot! I made out with a man I had literally just met and it filled me with more lust than any girl I'd kissed before. Watching his cock pop out of his boxers filled me with more desire than any girl pulling down her panties - I never wanted to eat pussy as bad as I needed that cock on my lips, on my face, in my mouth. Actually, I never wanted to eat pussy in the first place! I did it a lot, and eagerly, because my gfs liked it; I did it for them, not for myself. And don't get me started on the taste, because precum actually tastes really friggin' good (and so does cum, btw), I literally couldn't get enough of it. Taking his cock was also heavenly. I cannot get over the fact that the only dick getting any kind of stimulation was his, that I was on the receiving end of his amazing cock, and it was still so much more pleasurable than anything my own dick had given me before! That the best sex I've ever had wasn't just with another man, but that it was him fucking me! It was this man's hands that were on me, his breath, his deep voice grunting and moaning as his legs thrust him ever deeper inside me. Every time he told me how tight my bussy was and how much he liked it, I couldn't help but smile.
No, this wasn't an act. Reaching for his cock so I could suck out every last drop of cum was not an act. Pushing through the frankly horrendous taste of condom because I needed his cock in my mouth and his cum in my throat was not an act. This was 100% me. This was what I wanted. This was my happy place - no thoughts, no worries, only bliss and pleasure.
There's no room for doubt anymore: I'm gay.
Now watching porn feels completely different. I know why that cock-sucking bottom is so greedy. I understand what that power bottom feels while he's getting his hole drilled. I get it now. And I want to be them more than ever.
I understand now why I was always drawn to gay porn. I understand why hot guys have never failed to turn me on. I understand why, despite having dated several pretty girls, my strongest crushes were on guys. I understand it now. It's no longer theoretical, it's practical, it's tangible, it's real, and it feels incredible.
And I want more.
I want a boyfriend. A man I can go out with, a man I can kiss, a man who will hold me, a man I can cuddle, a man whose cock I can enjoy while we watch a movie, a man next to whom I can wake up, a man with whom I can always be myself. A man I can trust to breed me every chance we get. But that won't be happening any time soon, sadly. If it's rough enough finding the time to work on this blog, you can bet your butt it's rough enough to find the time and energy to talk to people, let alone sort out dates and schedules. Plus the reality is that it's hard finding decent dudes out there. I mean it's already hard enough finding safe, reliable guys to just hook up with! But one day I promise I'll have a cute boyfriend.
I also want to try vanilla gay sex. Because, look, I love chastity, I really do, and I really don't want to use my penis during sex, but I do want to have sex unlocked at least once! Okay, actually twice. For starters, I want to have sex wearing nothing but a jockstrap. I want my penis to be free to stay limp or get hard, to leak to its heart's content, but all from the safe confines of the pouch. I want the pouch to be filled with my genitals, to swing with them as I get pounded. I want my top to be able to see the pouch moving, to grab it, to squeeze it.
And I also want to get fucked completely naked. I want to see his cock next to mine, feel them against each other. I want to watch my penis helplessly flop around as he fucks me, feel my balls bounce around. I want to have sex in a way that shows that we both have dicks, but one of us was made to fuck and the other was made to be fucked. And I want to get my penis and balls covered in his cum. I want to have sex in the most natural way possible, no extras, no distractions: just two men.
Everything else can be in chastity, especially some of the other things I want to do. Because I want to be a total slut, too. I want to get a room and find out how many cocks I can take in a night. And then I want to break that record over and over. And I want to try my hand at being a mare at the Horse Market. And I want to be a call boy, have several friends who can hit me up when they're horny and have me over in minutes. And I want to be a trophy boy, halt my slutty ways for the right man so he may parade me around as his prized possession.
So what's next?
Well, next up is to get on PrEP, I think. I'll be making an appointment with a doctor in the next couple of weeks (assuming nothing jumps out of the blue) and hopefully be at full effectiveness by Halloween! Then I'll be finding a way to host on a regular basis (like a hotel or this men's spa that I have my eye on) as well as well as some reliable men to play with. And I'll also be giving the old Tinder/OKCupid a go to see if I can find myself a Mr. Right.
I also have to find time to try different hair styles until I can find one that's short, comfy, and androgynous, as well as setting up some slightly more androgynous (and even a couple male-coded-but-still-gay/fem) outfits. I definitely want to find, for example, some sexy and comfy male leggings. Losing weight is also another thing I want to keep working on - I want to go full-on skinny twink (among other things, it should make it easier for men to pick me up and carry me around). And, finally, I also want to keep working up the courage to be a bit more visible (I project a lot more fem than I do boi, and I want to make that split a bit more even), because I really want to become comfortable with having a bulge, whether at the gym or at the pool.
In other news...
I came out as bisexual to a close family member.
Obviously not the truth, but I'm playing it slow, testing the waters. First it's this, then after a boyfriend or two I'll pretty much just flat out say "hah, guess I was just gay and didn't know it!" Might seem silly, unserious, perhaps unscrupulous, but I'm easing into it, with baby steps. I want to test the waters first, and also make sure there's no surprises when I one day have a boyfriend.
The real awkward conversation will be when I have to explain what bigender means. Might be awkward, or might just get a "you do you" shrug. Either way, I'm not really looking forward to it. Baby steps.
I'm going to change the format of this blog.
All my posts have had one major subject, broken down and elaborated upon, but I cannot keep that format up. A lot of things I want to talk about are too complex, and occasionally not fully developed, which is why I haven't posted anything in ages. So I think from now on they're going to be mostly a lot of smaller, more focused, and usually unrelated, snippets collected together into one post. More like small pieces on a magazine or newspaper page, instead of chapters in a book.
Maybe.
I'm addicted to buying men's underwear.
It's a problem. I love the way they fit, I love the way they look, and I LOVED getting fucked in a jockstrap. More importantly, I love how gay they make me feel. Like, I'm sorry, but few things are gayer than a rainbow jockstrap. Maybe a pink jockstrap might be gayer. Or a teeny tiny g-string with barely enough room for the goods. Or a bikini that really shows off my butt and begs a top's attention.
Like I said: it's a problem.
About chastity.
I know I mentioned earlier that I wanted to have sex sans chastity at least twice. But I've been working on this post for well over a week now, and in that time I've done a bit of soul-searching and I'm not sure that chastity will remain front-and-center for me in the long-term. For one thing, it's easy to be a bottom while in chastity, because that's what chastity does. But I'm already a bottom, it's confirmed, and I want to have sex as a bottom without being corraled into that position.
Still, the main driving force here is homosexuality. Chastity takes away your penis and hides your maleness. I want the opposite. I want to bask in having a penis. I want to revel in the fact that I'm a faggot. I want my penis to be seen, to be teased through its pouch, groped even! I want to be proud of the fact that I have it, and even prouder that I don't use it. Because I don't want to use it, I want it to be a decoration, a small floppy reminder that I'm a boi.
Because my penis is one of the things that make me a boi. Denying it, in a way, means denying part of my identity. Moreover, it denies a big part of why men are interested in me. While most guys are accommodating, it's only a modest minority who are into it. The rest prefer I'd be let loose, at least while I'm with them - in fact I had a guy point blank tell me he didn't want me caged if we had sex.
Still, I'm not one to make rash decisions. I've been locked since just before September, and I'll continue to be locked at least through Locktober. And I'll continue observing chastity religiously at least until the year is over. After that, it's anyone's guess what shape chastity will take in my life. Maybe it'll be a once-in-a-while deal to spice things up. Maybe I'll have a boyfriend who'll hold my key. Or maybe I'll continue wearing it religiously and only take it off for certain sexual encounters where a full pouch or a floppy dick would be preferable.
About PrEP.
I honestly can't wait. I dream of the day when I can have my hole filled to the brim with cum. Like, just the idea of a man emptying himself inside me drives me wild, so imagine how intoxicating the thought of having several men's juices mixing around in my bussy. And then going about my day knowing that I'm absolutely loaded with sperm. Or just imagine if one day I'm so horny that I'll take a cock or two during lunch, and finishing off the rest of the day with a happy, cum-filled bussy!
I friggin need this.
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